Dear Fellow Active Members of the Church,
Please sign this prenuptual pre-crisis agreement now, promising that you won’t be an unhinged tool if and when you leave the church.
Surely, you’ve been warned a BILLION times about “leaving the church alone” when you leave it. You think that message is meant for people who have already left? NO! It’s for YOU, in case you leave! Once you leave, it’s too late, so you won’t be expected to leave it alone by then. The church will have had such a profound influence on most or all aspects of your life. So you could not be expected in any normal way to “just drop it.”
Back to the agreement. Take a second and hearken.
If at least 4 of the 8 following characteristics apply to you, and cause moderate to significant distress to those around you (this includes your Facebook friends of the opposite political persuasion), you may be at risk for becoming an emotionally Unhinged Ex-Mormon (U-ExMo):
- You’re epistemologically certain (“I know” is the phrase you use the most in your testimony)
- You’ve always done everything you were asked by the church
- You significantly gave of your time and/or money to Prop 8
- You’ve held leadership callings
- You haven’t given that much thought to church history, or don’t think studying history is that important
- You couldn’t imagine how you would deal with your spouse leaving the church
- You think John Dehlin is a secret agent of Satan to lead the church astray (if you’re the curious type, go here to see what this will look like when you’re on the other side)
- You see your more post-modern Mormon friends as close to apostasy (i.e. you generally think things are either “good” or “bad” or “true” or “false”).
If you’re still not convinced, consider this warning from the prophet Alma:
“Ye cannot say, when ye are brought to that awful crisis [of faith], that I will [be a nicer person]. Nay, ye cannot say this; for that same spirit which doth possess your bodies at the time that ye go out of this [church], that same spirit will have power to possess your body in that [DAMU] world… For behold, if ye have procrastinated the day of your [becoming an emotionally developed person with a tolerance for ambiguity along with an internalized moral compass] even until [you leave the church], behold, ye have become subjected to the spirit of the devil, and he doth seal you his; therefore, the Spirit of [everything that makes people nice to be around] hath withdrawn from you, and hath no place in you, and the devil hath all power over you; and this is the final state of [all those who meet the above diagnosis] who leave.”
Please, I beg of you, repent of your epistemologically certain, emotionally stunted, rigid ways before it is too late.
Your Brother in the Gospel