It’s no secret that church leaders are concerned about those who leave, particularly those of the rising generation. What is less well known is the strategy to help them stay active in the church and into their adult lives.
Less well known until now that is. The following list was found in a secret trash basket [1] outside the top secret conference room where the quorum of the twelve apostles meet. This list of discarded ideas will give you some idea of the lengths the church has considered going to in order to keep kids active in the church.
Drumroll please.
- Add more sessions to General Conference.
- Free gummi bears! Limit one per youth.
- Lower mission age to 12. Then lower to 8 for boys.
- Free Costco membership with every temple recommend. [2]
- “Replenish the earth” cash rewards for each child born in the covenant. Expires when parents turn 25.
- Free BCP-free refillable water bottle with matching bicycle clip for accepting church callings.
- Change mission call procedure through use of the Sorting Hat. [3] Except for visitor centers which will still be selected based on hotness.
- Give all women the priesthood. But simultaneously upgrade the men to Platinum level priesthood.
- Relax music regulation in sacrament meetings to allow guitar, but reserve the right to pull the plug if that gets out of hand.
- Brown bag town hall lunches with Jesus, provided Jesus meets dress and grooming standards.
Since these are the “discarded” ideas, thank goodness the chosen ideas are generally better. What ideas would you have expected to see on this list?
Discuss.
[1] or was it sacred?
[2] It’s practically the same thing anyway.
[3] Since you asked, Gryffindor (dangerous locations with local mafia or cartels, parasites and/or weird bathrooms), Huffelpuff (stateside), Ravenclaw (internet and office assignments), and Slytherin (beaches & islands).
Wheat & Tares 
Hmm – if it is not on the rejected list, then “more lessons on virtue” must still be on the table. hmmm.
I heard President Monson was recently in Bentonville, Arkansas, so I assume this means that the Sam’s Club alternative to #4 is still alive and well.
An offer of marriage to general authorities given to the almost-15-year old girls in the church.
Oh man, platinum level priesthood just made my day. Because you know that’s exactly what’s going to happen.
Or, Give women the priesthood, but screen them so that only the Dolores Umbridge types pass the interview.
MDearest, unfortunately, that’s probably a given. 😦
Two ideas that weren’t thrown in the trash:
Have missionaries give tours of local church buildings.
Call on members to spam there social media feeds with testimony building messages.
By the way, please check out my totally awesome site about how I gained so much peace in my life. http://fakeurl.1.my.com
Let the youth choose the country of their choice for a year and a half vacation, I mean mission.
Free tuition at BYU for one semester if they get married in the temple.
Give all single adults membership for six months to the on line dating site of their choice, as long as it is either LDSPlanet, LDS Singles, or LDS Mingle when they return honorably from a mission.
11. Engage them in defending the traditional family at rallies and precinct walkers
12. Encourage a Jets revival and more lip syncing activities
13. Reactivate Ryan Gosling and Kathrine Heigel. Send them on a roadshow wherein one lucky attendee wins a date with David Archeletta.
14. Build a replica of all 130ish temple is Minecraft…and then host a custom server with PvP battles where they can use the priesthood to take one another out
14.a) But only the boys obviously. Design a MMRPG for girls where they can competively crotchet and make pies. Call it Piecraft.
Who at 47 East South Temple keeps vetoing the reduction of the meeting block to 60 or 90 minutes??
They’ve already tried it with the ideal “beta” group—the wards meeting in retirement and geriatric care centers and it works great!! I would think it would add to the credibility that this group is in the same age cohort as the Q15.
Stop running YSA branches as places to meet, date, and marry and have them do something worthwhile such as the example in the link. Sorry, not in the light minded, loud laughter, and evil speaking of the Lord’s anointed tone heretofore shared. I seem to recall Pres Hinckley saying something about retention was getting people a friend and something to do. There was a third thing but I can’t remember. Now back to our regular programming.
Daniel,
That would be a probably outcome if the COB designed it and then they would try and crack down on all the gender bending fake accounts as the girls kept signing up for the boys server 🙂
Dang, a Sicilian mission makes me a Gryffindor prefect, right? 🙂