I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but how to celebrate Mother’s Day is always a complicated issue for most Mormon communities. If you think about it, the poor bishopric just can’t please everyone. For every woman who hates flowers there is one who dislikes chocolate or ________. If you have all the mothers stand up to receive a gift it’s salt in the wound for the childless/single; so you have all women stand, but what’s the age cut off? 18? 16? I heard one ward gave cookies to every girl in the ward (including Primary) because they will one day be mothers. (sigh) Doesn’t this defeat the purpose of showing gratitude for mothers?
For some women this is their favorite day of the year. They spend all year silently serving their whole families without much thanks – and for one day a year they should all worship the ground she walks on, amirite? I agree mothers need more gratitude and recognition at home. I am one of those mothers – and I’m not planning on cooking or cleaning that day (solidarity, ladies!).
But I’ve also been on the other side of the fence. It was exactly this week 11 years ago that our doctor sat us down and gave us the diagnosis of unexplained infertility and an estimate that we had less than a 1 in 1000 chance of ever having a child on our own. Celebrating Mother’s Day that week at church was not easy. And it’s not only the childless that have a hard time; it was always a difficult day for our foster kids, I know family members whose mother is in prison, and as Primary President I had a few kids raised by single dads whose mom had basically abandoned them. I’m sure there are many more reasons that our mother-worship could cause pain for others.
So do you really think we need to go all out at church? Do you think we don’t talk about motherhood enough at church? Honestly, we pedistalize motherhood; quite often to the point of making it the equivalent of the power and authority to speak and act for God. You know what the side effect of this is? We don’t value the discipleship of the single and childless as much. In fact we often marginalize the ways their discipleship builds the kingdom of God in this life; and single adults often feel like they are infantilized in our culture.
I personally would like to speak more about honoring influential women in all that encompasses. So few stories are told at all of our scriptural and church history heroines there’s more than enough material to build on. Although we have a really bad track record of rhetoric and women, especially when it comes to men speaking to women about how to woman. So I’d almost just prefer you skip the talk, because chances are the speaker’s going to blow it, you know? Coincidentally, my husband and I were asked to speak this week on the sacrament. I asked permission to choose my own topic so I could attempt my own MD talk that hopefully would uplift everyone. (A copy of my rough draft can be found here). I’ll let you know how it goes.
Of course the other side of the coin is the backlash against the “Mother’s Day Complainers.” I’ve seen a few posts of those going around facebook over the last few years as well. In one group I’m in the different sides of the discussion were getting pretty passionate. So, what do you think?
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Discuss.
Wheat & Tares 
Mothers Day is a secular or community affair, not a holy day of obligation (so to speak). Like so many other secular observances, it need not be made mention of in our worship meetings. Was it Administrative Assistants Apreciation Day a couple of weeks ago? That wasn’t mentioned in church.
But — at this point in time, not honoring Mothers Day would be very hard to do and would hurt the feelings of many people.
Poor bishops. May we appreciate and sustain them, whatever they do.
So, we have mothers’ day back in March. I prefer not to hear about being a mother on that day. On the other hand I do also draw a line on some topics on that day. Back when I was ward music chair and was privy to the list of topics for speaking, I did ask were thet really planning on having Priesthood as the speaking topic for mothers’ day? The topic was changed. Not talking about mothers is one thing, and i don’t but that was a whole new level of insensitive – though actually I think they were just really bad at checking the calendar.
When I was single, I dated someone who hated Father’s Day. Her father had a heart attack when she was 15. Apparently when he fell, he hit his nose and bled all over the living room floor. She found him, and he died soon after. Father’s Day just brought back too many horrible memories that she no longer had a father.
A few months later, my sister died, the mother of 4 children ages 3-10. After talking to my friend, I’ve always wondered if my nephews and nieces hate Mother’s Day because they no longer have their mother. I remember my friend called me to offer comfort when she learned my sister died.
Fast forward 8 years, and my brother died (on the last day of this month will be 9 years since his death) also leaving behind 4 children in about the same age range. I think of my nephews and nieces who no longer have their mother or father, and on both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, I feel a profound sense of loss.
The Family Proclamation states, “Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother…” Well sometimes, through no fault of their own, children don’t get to be reared by a father and a mother. It is one of God’s mysteries that I don’t think I’ll ever understand.
I still have my mother and father, although they are both feeling the effects of age. I love them, and will miss them when they aren’t here anymore. It is nice to reflect on our parents, but it is important to remember that not everyone has joyful memories on these days.
When I gave a talk on Mother’s Day a few years ago, I was surprised at how it originated. It actually has a lot of relevance for church, but that gets lost as we try to fawn over “motherhood.” http://www.wheatandtares.org/8091/my-mothers-day-talk/
– From its earliest date, it was a celebration of the Mother of the Gods. Heavenly Mother, if you will.
– It was used in the 1600s and 1700s to celebrate the Mother Church. People in service would return to their home villages to decorate the church with flowers and gifts, and then have a family meal.
– It was later used as a day to protest war. Mothers of sons who died in war were recognized with carnations.
– It was used as repopulation propaganda in France after the war. Mothers were rewarded based on number of children.
One Mother’s Day while I was a missionary, I had a companion who had an extremely painful relationship with her mother. She warned me that Mother’s Day was her least favorite holiday and she wasn’t sure she would be able to make it through sacrament meeting. We sat in the back, prepared to leave if she needed to.
The main speaker was a married, childless woman in her 20’s. She told us the story of Phyllis Luch, who had written the words to the primary song “I Often Go Walking.” The speaker’s mother had known her and one day Phyllis told her that she had a terrible relationship with her own mother. Her mother suffered from mental illness and was often harsh and neglectful to her children. Phyllis told her that the only time her mother was ever loving was when they would go on walks and pick flowers. She would teach them the names of all the flowers and it was the only time her mother seemed happy. That was the inspiration for the song. (Disclaimer: I don’t really know if this story is true, I can only verify that it is what the speaker said in sacrament meeting that day.)
My companion made it through sacrament meeting and said that was the best Mother’s Day talk she had ever heard in her life. She loved the acknowledgement that many people don’t have great mothers and that’s ok. She loved that the writer of the song was able to find one good thing about her mother and attempt to focus on that instead of just pretending like all mothers are perfect.
I had never really thought much of that song before that day, but to this day it is now one of my all time favorite primary songs. Of course, since that day I have never once heard it sung in sacrament meeting. Our primary is singing “The Family is of God” for Mother’s Day this year . . . sigh. . . I guess I’m one of those people who won’t be pleased.
I think one of the things that can improve this is to continue the messages we’ve been hearing more of lately that children are not necessary to learn motherhood or fatherhood. Our goal is to become more like out Heavenly Mother and Father. For some, this is helped by having children. For others, this is hindered by having children.
While it is good to look toward raising the next generation in righteousness, we can’t get caught up in thinking there is only one way to become more like our Heavenly Parents. There is no “too bad, punched your card, ministering angel for you”.
And Mothers Day could especially be helped by having more information on Heavenly Mother. Easier to work toward an example you know something about, rather than the esoteric “we don’t talk about that” we have.
Hawkgrrrl, our primary children sang ‘I often go walking’ for our mothers’ day this year. In this ward that’s after sacrament meeting has finished, then the children sing and gifts handed out.
That’s an interesting story about the song.
One year for mother’s day I was making the paper programs that are handed out. I called all the kids in the ward old enough to talk to people they don’t know on the phone in a coherent fashion (like 7 or 8 or a bit younger in some cases). I asked them what they liked about their mothers. I printed their responses on the back of the program. I don’t know if mothers appreciated it, but I felt like it was a good way to acknowledge hard work in a personalized way without marginalizing those without children. I did the same thing for father’s day that year too.
@EBK: I looked up Phyllis Luch. Found a reference to the story you mentioned in We Shall Make Music: Stories of the Primary Songs and how They Came to be By Patricia Kelsey Graham. Just FYI.
Kristine, I will preface this by saying that I hope you know that I adore you, admire you, and am cognizant of your situation and have some comprehension of the sacrifices you’ve made. That said, is it such a terrible sin for us to celebrate, or at least recognize, the 90+% norm? I completely agree that we should not awfulize the people who do not match the “ideal,” and we should certainly not blame them for not “measuring up” – but, frankly, most people – most couples – can become parents, and failing to recognize the positive benefits of that potential (solely for fear of offending or saddening the minority who cannot fulfill it without great effort) would be doing the large majority of saints a great disservice.
Tough act of balance.
I really do not wish to offend or hurt you with this comment, so i invite you to respond either here or privately, whichever you prefer. It’s possible that I’m misunderstanding you, after all.
Cowgirl: I actually like that idea a lot. Another idea I heard done at another church is they had bunches of flowers and vases placed around the church; you were supposed to take flowers and post them to a vase in honor/memory of a woman who had influenced you for good.
EBK: I really like the (hopefully true?) background of the “I Often Go Walking” song.
I think the hardest part of this day is the only way to do it is to treat the women of the church as one homogeneous block. It reminds me of the SL Trib’s “What Mormon Women Want” panel. The answer? A million different things, because we are all so different and sometime prefer OPPOSITE things. What do Mormon women want on Mother’s Day? A million different things. (sigh)
Hawk – I remember reading your post on Mother’s day a few years ago; it’s one of my favorite posts/talks about mothers. Especially the part where they tie each other up. Good times!
New Icon – My response to that is usually: do you not think we honor motherhood during the rest of the year? I swim in a culture that constantly elevates motherhood; do I NEED to have it in my sacrament meeting? My personal preference is to acknowledge happy mother’s day from the pulpit, have the men take over 3rd hour primary/combined youth; and have all the women gather and get food as a gift. That way women are getting gifts and acts of service. I’d also like for the kids to do some kind of card/gift for their mothers while the men take over third hour. I’m not against honoring mothers. But since I bite my tongue the rest of the year, seriously – can we just leave my sacrament alone in peace? The talk I wrote for this sunday that I posted on my blog does include discipleship, becoming like our Savior, honoring Women of God, and my own mother as an example of discipleship. So I guess my response is . . . I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.
Also I guess I’d just like to point out that the 10% of people who can’t have kids doesn’t represent the portion who have a hard time on mother’s day. Out of the 90% women who are mothers are a lot who have a hard time with the day, too. If I remember correctly the family lore is that mother’s day talks at church sent my grandmother crying and shutting herself in a closet when she got home. I think it’s more complicated than, “Come on, throw the 90% a bone, they deserve it.” Don’t you think?
The reality is many of us just don’t go to church on Mothers Day so it really doesn’t matter what is done.
I’m torn about nixing Mother’s Day as a sacrament meeting topic. On one hand, it often gets out of hand and chases people away. (So many people avoid church on Mother’s Day, or come home in tears- better to have stayed at home.)
On the other hand, the church has already censored the word “Heavenly Mother” from general conference (‘Heavenly Parents’ is ok, but ‘Mother’ hasn’t been said in about 20 years) and we are such a patriarchy, that to me celebrating women (mothers) during the springtime (in an ancient pattern), seems like such a small acknowledgement that should be enlarged.
There is so much we have yet to understand or learn about women and motherhood. Not by means of lip service or a pedestal or womb worship, but in understanding who we are, what we are doing, what we can become, and who our Mother in Heaven is. Too sacred to talk about? NO! Too little revealed? NO! These authors cited an amazing trove of revelation and literature about Her. It just isn’t cited or understood!!!
Paulsen, David L.; Pulido, Martin (2011), “‘A Mother There’: A Survey of Historical Teachings About Mother in Heaven”, BYU Studies 50 (1): 70–97.)
We should just let all moms stay home from church that day.
Lily, one of the reasons I wrote my post is because of how many women ***stay home from taking the sacrament*** because of this. I’m sure if I weren’t a mother I would be in that camp, too.
Annon: then why don’t we honor our foremothers? Eliza R? Jane Manning? I love that BYU Studies article. I WISH we would start talking about Heavenly Mother. I would take it if each ward had someone speak on that article this week.
My ward does the third hour brunch and it’s wildly popular. It resulted in the men getting pie for father’s day. I think themed talks are appropriate, but out of all days of the year, the Bishop should be very careful and thoughtful about who they give the responsibility to. I’ve been happy with our talks for the last couple of years. Many wards just don’t have the ward leadership that understands the issues with mothers day enough to take care of it well. The adjacent ward got a new Bishop last year and he didn’t do anything for Mother’s day “because it didn’t say to do it the handbook.” There was lots and lots of griping over that. I’m curious to hear if he has changed his position.
All women over 18 or who are mothers get flowers-I view it as honouring the role. I’ve got my own issues with my mother, she lost her own mother aged three. I figure we all struggle with it more or less, and we all have to get over our stuff and honour the aspiration to be good nurturers of the next generation.I see it as a celebration of generativity, and try not to get mean about it.Nothing’s perfect.
I like the idea of setting aside time to celebrate womanhood and motherhood, but in practice it is usually a bit uncomfortable. It’s the stereotype that is celebrated, and those of us who don’t fit well into that mold for whatever reason often walk away with the implicit message “You are a defective woman and/or mother.” My mom mentioned one time how she always hated mother’s day because hearing about all the other seemingly perfect moms just reinforced her view that her mom was nuts and would never be like other moms. I thought the admission was ironic, since I remember having similar thoughts. I’ve already accepted that my daughters will think it as well. 😉
I get that Mother’s Day is fun for a lot of people. I like that people are actually willing to discuss women in the scriptures, even if you rarely hear any stories outside the mothers of the stripling warriors. All the wards I’ve been in are usually good about including the song “Oh My Father” in sacrament meeting as a nod to our doctrine of Heavenly Mother.
Years ago quite the opposite happened in all the wards in our Stake, the Stake President believing that he was helping those who weren’t comfortable with Mother’s Day, made it a High Council Sunday complete with a boring talk on fasting. I knew it was coming because all the Bishops received a letter on it. The Bishop read it in ward council. That day the wife of a ward council member was saying the closing prayer. She was ticked that the entire day had been “Womenless” when she got up to pray she made sure to included “gratitude for the mothers and women in our lives who served and sacrificed for us.” She practically skipped off the pulpit. It was a memorable day.
Why is there more fuss over mothers on Mother’s day than Jesus on Easter?
As a kid, I loved all holidays, and I thought everyone else did too. It has been a sad realization that holidays can be the most painful days of the year for some people. So now, for some of the reasons mentioned above, holidays just aren’t the same. I wish everyone loved them, but for many, a holiday is a reminder of something they lack – a mother, a father, a family, etc. So I just hope that any celebration of any holiday, in church or elsewhere, would be sensitive to the fact that some are suffering while others are enjoying. I wish there was a day when everyone could be happy, but, sadly, the sweet can’t exist without the bitter any day I suppose.
As a continuation of my previous post, I cannot agree with New Iconoclast at all.
New Iconoclast said, “That said, is it such a terrible sin for us to celebrate, or at least recognize, the 90+% norm?”
Ummm, YES, I believe it is.
Call me overly sensitive, but the utility gained by what you describe as a celebration of the 90+% norm (which, by the way, I disagree on the number 90% for what you describe), cannot compare to the amount of pain the NON normal people would feel, in my opinion.
Honestly, do these mothers and fathers not have birthdays? Why is there a mother’s day? Mothers who have children aren’t alone. Fathers who have children aren’t alone. Why do these people need a day? Why aren’t there big celebrations for the people who, in my opinion, truly need it?!?!!?
Why isn’t there an Orphan Day where all orphans go to Disneyland for free and kids with parents have to do chores all day?
Why isn’t there a Widow’s Day where they are all served French toast for breakfast and given chocolates and flowers and hugs?
Why isn’t there a Widower’s Day?
Why isn’t there a day for the lonely?
I’m sick of holidays where the HAVES give to other HAVES and the HAVE NOTS continue to go without.
In your homes or at a park or a restaurant, feel free to give your mother’s all the gifts and love and cute cards you want. I think it’s great. But in church, or any place where there is a large group of people, some of which will include those who WISH they could be a mother but can’t, we need to be careful, I think. And I’m not just talking about married women who can’t have children. Let’s not forget there are women who can’t even get married, or who can’t even get a date. Almost all mothers chose to be mothers. Many who aren’t mothers would choose to be mothers if it were that simple, but they can’t for one reason or another. They deserve more than to be marginalized, and if I were in charge of some public celebration, I would be more concerned with their feelings than the mothers of the group.
Forgive me if I come across as some holiday grump, I enjoy holidays. I just tend to focus on the potential harm that could result when you celebrate the mothers, as opposed to focusing on the joy the mothers could experience. I just think the lost sheep (I mean those who may feel they don’t belong, not those who don’t have a testimony) are too often ignored while the 90+% congratulate themselves on being normal.
I love the idea of vases and people adding flowers! That is a lovely way for people to thank the women, both mother’s and not, who’ve helped raise them to adulthood. I think I will mention that to the Bishop for next year. It’s too late for this year and I won’t be at church anyway. I’ll be wrestling alligators. That’s actually true, not just a really crazy excuse.
Christina: I’m with you there. Easter comes and goes every year with barely am acknowledgement. I wish we did a sunrise service like my brother in laws Protestant church.
Mothers day, and the whole mother archetype will always be fraught. With Motherhood, we are dealing with the most basic human instinct, as primal and powerful as sex, indeed, it is the fruit of sex. That some women can’t have the sex, and that for others, the sex doesn’t work is probably one of the most painful denials of intrinsic identity a woman can experience. Indeed, for almost any female in the animal kingdom, procreation IS the only purpose for existence, the pearl of great price which a female will sacrifice all to achieve, with all other accomplishments having only a temporal, cultural value to a lesser or greater degree. But to have endless seed, seed as the sands of the sea, that is the great Abrahamic covenant, and the be all and end all of existence, to be a living branch, not a dead one.
So we have to celebrate it, it is human to celebrate it. We could not keep ourselves from it. If you forbid it, the stones would cry out. But in the celebration is a river of pain, pain which drives us to procreate, even when we can’t, even when we have to sell everything we have just to try to do it. So the pain and the joy are one and the same. You can’t have the one without the other. The reason Motherhood is great is the same reason it is so painful.
I don’t know any men who would skip church on Fathers Day because they weren’t fathers. I wonder why the disparate feelings?
Idiat….obviously, men are allowed identities outsied of being fathers.
Maybe we’re looking at Mother’s Day the wrong way — it is a day for each of us, male and female, to honor and remember our own mothers — each of us has a biological mother, and some of us have adopted or step mothers, and some have aunts or others who are mother surrogates. Some of us know our mothers, some of us don’t — some of us have good mothers, some of us don’t — but each of us can be grateful somehow for our own mother. Where necessary, any of us can forgive our mother. And there is a universal commandment for each of us to honor our father and mother.
So maybe Mother’s Day need not be so bad after all. Mother’s Day isn’t about becoming or being a mother, but remembering our mothers. At least, when I read about the lady who campaigned for the remembrance, that’s what I took away.
I believe we should honor all women of influence.
But the fact that some women with 12 children get pedistalized on this day and to the child whose mother pimped them out to pay for drugs you task with the goal of forgiving them?? Yikes. Quit yer complaining and honor your mother or forgive her? (PS that is a real story that happened). There the other child serving a life sentence in prison whose mother abandoned him and bounced through psychologically, emotionally, physically, and sexually abusive foster mothers??? His job today is to be quiet over the pain caused by this day and forgive them?
Do I need another post on how bad we are at empathy again?
We need to learn to forgive everyone, even our mothers.
Of course we do. It’s a goal of a lifetime to forgive as our savior forgives. But you don’t think it’s a little bit callous to treat the most battered and bruised amongst us with a “just buck up and deal with it” while the abundantly blessed get appeased and fawned over.
ji I think we’re closer in agreement than it seems. That’s why I would love to make it a day to celebrate influential women. EVERYONE has an influential woman in their life. It really is the most inclusive approach.
Kristine,
You mischaracterized my posting. I wrote nothing approaching your characterization.
Best wishes…
Ji, you said, “but each of us can be grateful somehow for our own mother. Where necessary, any of us can forgive our mother. And there is a universal commandment for each of us to honor our father and mother.”
I disagree completely. Some people can’t be grateful for their own mother, and they shouldn’t be told that they can or that they should.
I don’t think it is true that any of us can forgive our own mother. I’m sure some can’t, and they shouldn’t be told that they can or that they should.
Universal command to honor our father and mother? No, there is no such command. Some parents don’t deserve to be honored at all, and people shouldn’t be told that they should honor their parents no matter what. Honor has to be earned, and simply having a child is not enough to earn that.
Human beings have evolved to trust and listen to their parents. Overall, this is a positive thing. But sadly, when parents mistreat their children, in most cases this leads to the child still seeking the parents’ approval and blaming themselves for poor treatment. In other words, we have evolved to honor our parents whether they are good or bad, which often times leads children of bad parents to suffer not only from the mistreatment, but also from psychological harm of loving someone who hurts them. Young children honor bad parents too much, and it costs greatly. We don’t need to be told to forgive them and honor them even more than we already instinctually do.
The gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us to forgive all of our neighbors (including (maybe even especially) our parents). And yes, there is a universal command to honor our fathers and mothers. I could share some scripture citations, but it wouldn’t do any good in this forum. Happy Mother’s Day!
I understand what the scriptures say. But that doesn’t mean it’s a universal command. If I quoted some other religious book, you wouldn’t consider that a universal command.
“Why is there more fuss over mothers on Mother’s day than Jesus on Easter?”
Maybe because, unlike Jesus, mothers had the good sense to schedule their holiday so it doesn’t conflict with the Most Holy and Supernal General Conference. 🙂
After the day has passed, in retrospect – I suppose my least favorite part of Mother’s Day is everyone telling women how they should feel or react.
My main problem with Mother’s Day is being told how I “should feel or react” by being forced (mostly by other women) to be celebrated when I am not a mother. I am a 41 year old married woman that was never able to carry a child to term or to adopt and so I am not a mother but there is a bizarre (to me) obsession that Mormons have in celebrating every woman on Mother’s Day. Do I have motherly qualities? Yeah sure, but it’s not Motherly Qualities Day. It’s a day specifically for mothers. There’s a Women’s Day that if they wanted to gift me a dumb potted plant at church I would love that cause I am actually a woman but just not on Mother’s Day because I am not that thing. It’s not Valentine’s Day in the 4th grade people. You don’t have to give everyone a card. It’s ok for it to be just for mothers. I have been striving to understand why there is this obsession to recognize everyone. All I can come up with is it being maybe a form of guilt that they are getting all the attention so they exorcise that guilt by forcing it to be for every woman. Maybe also an element of laziness and people just wanting to give something out broad spectrum instead of actually knowing and honoring individual member’s wishes. I don’t know. It’s a mystery to me. Regardless, I don’t go to church on Mother’s Day. Not because of the talks but because people don’t let me just go without being forced to take the gift and forced to submit to being told over and over Happy Mother’s Day because they think I’m a mother too just because I’m not mean to people. It doesn’t matter though if I don’t go to church because people still bring the gift to my house. Like it’s not bad enough I get driven out of my church once a year because of the belligerently Mother’s Day obsessed, they have to ruin the safety of my home. No. No it’s just too much. I shouldn’t be expected to accept someone else’s obsessive fixation on me being a mother, when I’m not, just to make them feel better. I just want to have my feelings honored and respected when I say that I’m not a mother. I just want to be left alone on Mother’s Day but it is impossible for people. Literally, impossible for them to do that.