Our ward recently split. One of my neighbors was called into the Bishop’s Office where they said, “We feel inspired to call you as Primary Pianist.” She responded, “You don’t feel inspired. You know that I play the piano and you need a pianist. I’ve been primary pianist for the last 10 years. I’ll do it, but I just wish I could serve in another calling.” Are you stuck in a calling?
Culture, LDS, Mormon, Mormon Culture
Stuck in a Calling
Wheat & Tares 
I doubt I’ll ever be stuck in a calling again. Primarily because I’m not afraid to say I’m done with a calling when I start to dread doing it.
But it would be nice if our leadership could admit when callings are being extended for sake of convenience. calling someone because they are the only person capable of it doesn’t cheapen the responsibility. If anything, it increases the value of the service.
Actually, I will go back on my claim. There is one calling I felt stuck in. I was the ward clerk and couldn’t stand the bishop’s counselors. I went to the bishop’s house one day fully prepared to ask for a release. But then he told me his wife’s cancer had relapsed. I never asked for the release figuring that he needed my service more than I needed my sanity at the moment. A few months later the counselors were changed anyway and being the clerk became my favorite calling ever.
I’d like to see greater flexibility with regards to the Auxiliary organizations. IMHO, the Melchizedek PH isn’t necessary to serve in a Sunday School Presidency, but the leaders have deemed it thus, so who would I be to agitate other. Just sayin, though….
I was called to three different elders quorum presidencies before age 23. When the fourth calling came up, I told the stake presidency that I would do it if they wanted, but I was tired of the calling. They decided not to call me.
A missionary companion of mine always gets called to the ym presidency and have a similar answer. My next door neighbors always seen to get called to be rs pres multiple times.
When the same person gets called to the same position multiple times, it makes you wonder why God has such favorites.
When we moved to my husband’s hometown ( to care for his parents, and I wish now I would have left) I thought a small town ward would be better than a huge city ward. Boy was I stupid. The ward had so many problems. It has split since we moved but it still has issues.
I was assigned as a visiting teacher to a very troubled family. I could never get my partner to go with me to see anyone. The Home Teaching and Visiting Teaching sucked. I was with this troubled family for four years. By myself. After two years I asked for reassignment. I was constantly ignored. No one in the ward wanted to deal with this family. So then the Bishop assigns my husband with me to visit this troubled family. After two more years I finally had enough. Six years total I was the only ward member who would have anything to do with this family. Actually the ward members unChristian attitude towards this family, my family, and certain others was very troubling.
I sent a letter to the Area Authority. That got everyones attention. Because the Stake Pres. and my Bishop at that time were brothers in law ( they married sisters). The Stake Presidency sucked too.
I am no longer nice. If other members can be jerks to me I give it right back to them. I don’t care anymore. Show me respect and I will give respect. I don’t take abuse anymore. My family and I have been horribly bullied and abused by ward members and leaders.
I have pretty much always been a primary teacher or in the primary presidency. For a long time I kind resented it, but I have decide I kind of love it.
Ward Mission Leader since Sept. 2011 and I love it even more than I have before! The missionaries are total drama but I love it honestly, it’s fun! I have never laughed so hard in any calling in my life as this one and it’s just great and I hope not to get released but i’ve told them I will accept whatever. I have been on the ward council, in this ward, continously since 2006.
Whenever my mom was asked by the bishop to fulfill a calling she wasn’t sure about she would ask, “Bishop, is this out of inspiration or desperation?”
LOL. I think she always accepted the calling but she was at least trying to keep the bishop on his toes.
I have always been in bishoprics, or hp group leader, until age 65, and my wife in rs and yw presidencies.
Since 65 we are now assistants to faith in God leaders, and temple cleaning supervisors..
Obviously the church recognised our abilities failing.
The 15 are really stuck in their callings. Tradition dictates the only way out is to die, and by the time you get the top job you are over 90, with abilities failing?
I was in scouts for too long, then called back (by a good friend that I had a hard time saying NO) after a break. It burned me crisp of scouting. I don’t even like the thought of camping now.
And Geoff – I feel the same about the 15. I do wish they were allowed to have some “retirement” years where they still hold the office of an apostle, but are not expected to be “one of the 12.” I do also would like a bit more rotation and younger members, but the more I think about it the more I think the bigger issue is these men having a job until they die.
I felt stuck when I was in nursery, but that was just mostly because I was well past the age of having such little ones around, and it was not my cup of tea. Mostly it was tough because workers kept not showing up, and the ratios were out of whack, but then the ward split and it got more reasonable. I have often thought I would like a “get out of nursery for the rest of your life” pass now that I’ve done it, but I suspect nursery is better than some of the other Primary callings. I’ve taught classes, but that’s it.
Nursery has to be the most isolating calling ever. Nearly two hours with small children. I’ve felt stuck in there after only a couple of weeks. But it’s YW where I’ve always felt most out of place.
Hedgehog – you make it sound like “isolating” as a bad thing. At times that makes church the easier to deal with. 😉
Seriously I do understand. I tend to be one of those that actually likes being in nursery – as long as there are not any kids are “REAL handfuls” and the other adults are enjoyable.
I never thought I would miss my nursery calling until I was called to teach CTR 4. Thirteen 4 year olds, a team teacher who shows up less than half of Sundays, no toys unless I bring them myself, a lesson manual geared toward kids who can read and write, and being 8 months pregnant with a toddler in tow. It is the most isolating calling I’ve ever had. I was called into it as soon as I moved into the ward and have met about 4 people in the ward in the last year and a half. Not to mention after spending the entire 3 hour block doing nothing but wrangling small children, I definitely don’t come home feeling like I was spiritually fed. They seemed utterly shocked when I asked to be released when I have the baby. . . because nothing sounds more fun than dealing with 13 4 year olds by myself on top of having to nurse a newborn baby. I’ve never said no to a calling in my life, (mostly because I feel like a community works better if everyone contributes, even if it’s doing things they hate) but I don’t think I can ever say yes to a primary calling again. At least not until I don’t have small children of my own anymore.
Pennsylvania just passed a law that every org working with kids must all have background checks.
If you thought you were stuck in a primary calling before — now that it costs them $50 to get you in there it’ll be dang hard to get out of it. In Pocatello as Primary Pres we were having such high turnover on cub scout positions the stake came down and said they could no longer afford to pay for that many background checks: no more calling adults to cub scouts unless they could stay for at least 5 years.
A Happy Hubby, not me! In fact back when I was on the primary presidency and sometimes had to spend 40 minutes in there supporting the nursery leader for the occasional week, I felt trapped.
Kristine, there was talk of that happening in the UK for a while, and bishoprics began to consider the implications. But the government changed their minds.
An exercise in memory, give or take:
Mission – 2 years (First “calling” I had after being baptized)
Valiant B (10 year olds) 12 months
YM 1st C – 12 months
EQ 2nd C – 12 months
Stake YM Pres- 2nd C — 18 months
Valiant B – 12 months
Blazer teacher/Ass’t Scoutmaster – 18 months
Stake Ass’t Clerk – Financial 12 months
Stake Clerk – 12 months
Bishopric 2 Counselor — 2 years
Stake Mission Presidency – 12 months
Blazer leader ass’t scoutmaster 12 months
Bishopric 2 Counselor — 4 years
High Councilor/Stake YM President — 3 years
YM – 1st Counselor – 6 months
YM President — 12 months
Bishopric 2 Counselor — 3.5 years
Ward Mission Leader — 18 months
Scoutmaster — 15 months
Bishop — 5.75 years
Stake Exec. Sec. 18 months
Have never served officially in Sunday School, very little in EQ/HP, most time spent with YM in one capacity or another. As bishopric counselor always assigned to primary, scouts, Deacaons/beehives, and youth in general. Was Troop Committee Chair, Cub Scout Committee Chair while holding other callings; As bishop, focus was on youth and RS. Still love helping/substituting in primary when I can, helping out with youth stuff. It’s great to be old enough to be needed but not so old I’m not wanted. Coveted calling – primary chorister or scoutmaster again.
There have only been two callings where I felt my life was being sucked right out of me. Nursery was one of them. My husband, on the other hand, considers it one of his ideal callings. Individual personality counts a lot when you are discussing feeling trapped in callings.
I’ve spent most of my life in various primary jobs, but I love it! however, after one year in Cub Scouts I decided I could no longer associate with bsa. I told the primary pres how much I would adore activity days for girls, and got a transfer the very next week! I was very proud of that one. the first time I ever complained about a calling and it worked out well.
We had one bishop that had the philosophy that he would release any woman from a calling for a few weeks when she gave birth to a new infant. Our current bishop has the philosophy that he doesn’t release women when they have a baby UNLESS they ASK to be released.
My wife struggled to do her calling as the sole nursery leader with a breastfeeding baby in tow thinking that if this is where the Lord wanted her, she would try to endure. It came as a let down later to realize that the Lord wasn’t talking to the bishop because in absence of a request for a release, he gave no consideration to the matter. So I would recommend that mothers expecting new babies to discuss the Bishop’s philosophy before the new arrival. Your inspiration may be what prompts the Bishop’s pursuit of inspiration.
I don’t have to read this post, I lived it! I was in music callings for 15 years before crashing and burning. Epic fall.
Warning: When a pianist tells you they are burned out, it is not a debatable point. It is a cold fact. Listen and change course.
Rigel, back when I had both my children the Bishop’s view was just get back to the calling when you can, and we’ll cover in the meantime. However my husband insisted that I be released. And I was. I didn’t want to have a calling hanging over me that I wasn’t capable of doing at that time, and would have felt guilty about not doing. Stress I could definitely do without. I think I finished up having nearly a year off from callings both times.
When I had my first baby, I was in the YW presidency, which I loved. I planned to continue the calling after having the baby, but since my husband was in the YM presidency at the time it meant one of us would have to bring the baby to our activity nights. This only worked for a little while. Then it became clear one of us had to be released. I decided to ask for the release since it was easier for them to replace me than him (the YM presidency didn’t have a second counselor because no one would take the job. I didn’t want them to lose their first counselor too). When I asked for the release, they immediately called me into the nursery. The other nursery leader also had an newborn. I’ve been in the primary/nursery ever since in every ward I’ve been in. Why do Bishops assume that mother’s with young children should be in the primary? I don’t get it.
@EBK,
My experience in a few bishoprics was that the coveted calling for sisters was YW. It helped them feel that they were both righteous and still “cool” and could relate to the YW (even if it wasn’t true, but most all of the time both were true).
Then most sisters preferred RS over primary, and for most the bottom of the barrel was nursery. I did have one bishop that didn’t feel good calling anybody into nursery that was a bit older as he felt it was physically too hard for old farts.
I would suggest that anybody that does not really like the nursery, but can do it a while to bluntly say, “I will do it, but the only way for me to emotionally be able to handle it is if my release date will be on such and such a date. (End of the year is a good time for nursery as in Jan the class size drops) That way I know then end is in sight. Otherwise it might drive me to inactivity.” That is still accepting the calling, but letting the bishopric know that this is VERY hard for you. I would remind them about 3 months before the agreed upon time of the up-coming date so they have time to get the next person lined up.
Having said that, I would LOVE to go back into nursery as opposed to fighting taking a nap in High Priests.
we need to get EQ and HP in nursery, stat.
As primary president NO ONE accepted a nursery calling. NO ONE. So we had a mom and two presidency members in a room with too many kids (needed to be split into two) – finally I dragged my bishopric member over to the nursery room during church to observe what I was dealing with. It sounded like we were waterboarding kids in gitmo.
The very next week they decided since no woman (they didn’t consider even asking men) would say yes, regardless of age (and believe me, the young moms need a break from these kids) they asked 16 women to volunteer 1 x per month. With one woman organizing and notifying everyone when it was their turn. Hot Mess.
After two years in a high turnover ward as Primary Prez with unsupportive bishopric members getting callings filled (they only gave us new move ins and inactives – I never had one week where I didn’t have multiple no shows in a calling) and the ward HP laughed when I asked for volunteers (even though there were 10 former bishops in there they said it was a girl’s job) . . . and the older RS ladies said they’d all already served their time in primary . . .
We moved and I was a released. I hear primary president is actually kind of a fun calling if you have your callings filled and people actually do them. Crazy.
After that experience I’d take nursery ANY DAY over a job that requires me to hound overseers/underlings to get support/jobs done.
“Why do Bishops assume that mother’s with young children should be in the primary?”
Having sat in Ward Council, it seems the Primary President was ALWAYS asking for callings to be filled. Anytime there was a new move-in–bingo they were called to the primary. I think the “inspiration” for these callings is more desperation than inspiration.
My old bishop told everyone that they would be called to nursery for 6 months and then released. Problem was, it was hard to get replacements. He did pretty good about releasing people, but it wasn’t 6 months as advertised originally. Our ward was so young, we had 3 nurseries. He often called couples, or parents whose kids were so whiny they wouldn’t go to nursery by themselves anyway. I thought this was fair–if their kid was crying and they had to be there anyway, might as well call them to the position. And he usually called couples to the nursery, not just wives. I’ve spent a LOT of time in nursery either because I was called there, or because my wife was Nursery Coordinator and I got called to sub all the time.
I’m not a fan of nursery, but I hate scouts also. Funny thing was I was called to scouts when I first moved into the ward. I complained about it the whole time to my neighbor. About 6 months later, the ward split and he was the new bishop. He was inspired to keep me out of scouts his whole 5 years. New bishop wasn’t inspired, and called me to scouts again.
The fact of the matter is, we all have favorite and dreaded callings, and the bishop has to make the ward run, so sometimes he is forced to call us to positions we don’t like. With my recent ward split, and I made sure to let them know I wasn’t a fan of scouts. They called my wife to scouts (she hates scouts too), but so far I’m in the clear.
Everyone can be jealous now . . .
In my ward there is an elderly couple whose life’s work and inner calling is with infants and young children. They are the LDS equivalent of Mr. Rogers . . . for babies and toddlers. Miracle workers. Pied pipers. Kids at heart. They have “the gift”.
And (get this) they beg to be called into nursery or sunbeams and hate being released. That’s where their testimonies thrive, where their happiness in service is found.
Jealous much????
I definitely understand how hard it must be for the Primary president to staff all the primary callings. That is why I have always said yes. At the same time, it frustrates me that there tends to be an underlying assumption that primary callings are women’s work. Our ward does call men into primary, but always as a couple. They never call a man without his wife. I find this to be both bizarre and unsurprising at the same time.
EBK,
I wonder whether the frazzled primary presidents would consider combining classes or bending rules instead of trying to fit the needs of a unique ward into a SLC mega-ward model as outlined in the manuals. Seriously. Combine classes. No one to work nursery? Put a “closed” sign on the nursery door that week. No teachers? Combine classes or just have an extended sharing time. If they aren’t following the manual and sustaining you, then you don’t have to follow the manual either.
‘No one to work nursery? Put a “closed” sign on the nursery door that week.’
That is a good idea. I remember waiting inside the nursery room with my child for the nursery teacher to show up. Parents I didn’t know suddenly started leaving their children in the room with me, assuming that I was their to be in charge of nursery and I was like, “AGGGGGHHHH!” So I learned, never go into the nursery room UNTIL you see there is a teacher there otherwise its the person who lingers may get the job for the day.
“it frustrates me that there tends to be an underlying assumption that primary callings are women’s work.”
I get that. I like teaching primary, but for practicality, I see the point. If you have to call 2 men to be co-teachers for reasons of child protection but only have to call 1 woman to be a teacher, then you have a greater impact on bodies for callings in small wards like mine. This shouldn’t be an issue for those big wards where they are calling extra counselors and secretaries to organizations. By all means, call co-teachers of women, men or mixed. It makes it very nice to not have to go calling the entire ward to find a sub when you need to be gone.
Also,
I like to have snacks for both adults and children in nursery, so while ‘they’ get goldfish crackers and fruit snacks, ‘we’ get veggie trays with dip and strawberries with whipped cream cheese. Makes it much more enjoyable for everyone.
@EKB – There is a rule in the church hand book that Primary classes must not have just 1 male teacher. It has to either be a couple, or two men (or 1 woman by herself). I can see some of the issues that caused this rule to be put in place.
Some men serving in bishoprics probably do feel that Primary is for Sisters. But when you add in the “no male teacher” and the thought process changes to, “I can either call 1 sister or 2 brothers, or a couple” and in order to keep people for other callings, the “sister” becomes the more attractive option.
My w
While it sounds like a compliment to women (you are so much more trustworthy with children!) it’s actually just a way to give a subset of jobs to women disproportionately, and that subset happens to be very difficult work.
The wards I’ve been in generally have overlooked the 2 male teachers rule mostly because it’s dumb. It’s also Dick Cheney thinking, the 1% rule.
Men aren’t called to primary because it is assumed they are all child molesters. I wish I was joking, but that’s the reason. It’s ridiculous, and assumes all men are guilty without the chance to be innocent. It is a stupid, sexist rule and does burden the women to primary.
I will also add that the same bishop mentioned earlier did call two men to teach primary, or couples. There were still more women in the primary, but it wasn’t so out of kilter as some stories here. Men were well represented in primary.
My husband was released as EQP and I campaigned to get him in sunbeams with a single dad. They rocked it.
You cannot just put a sign up that says no nursery — sometimes you don’t know your workers are going to no show you until it’s been 15 minutes. Yes, some parents drop off their toddlers without a leader there. Seriously let men in primary presidencies and see how fast this staffing primary problem gets solved. Then all of a sudden it wouldn’t be a woman’s babysitting issue.
And we did combine classes as much as possible. God bless primary presidencies and workers who show up. 🙂
Now we’ve combined wards, we have an older couple running the nursery, and the primary music leader and I go in for ten minutes somewhere in the middle to do singing with the nursery children. Music time in nursery is one way to get a guitar into church – there’s no piano in the nursery. It probably breaks things up a bit for the leaders too. I can tolerate that ten minutes with a guitar between me and the nursery children. It’s similar to how I survive primary – behind the piano. We now have sharing time/music time both blocks, because with the combined ward they’ve split primary in two with the older children having lessons first, and then switching over. Unless they’re short staffed I do flee the room during the non-singing activity part of the sessions. And I’m enjoying spending so much time playing music on a Sunday so far.
I agree with hawkgrrrl. The rule that men have to be staffed two deep seems like an excuse to make sure that men don’t have to staff the primary. To be honest, I think it’s more likely that the overburdened single female teacher is more likely to go postal and start smacking kids around than any teacher is going to molest the children. Of course, there wouldn’t be as much press from a woman smacking a few kids I guess.
annon – I do live in one of those mega huge Utah wards. That’s why I have 13 4 year olds to chase after. In smaller wards where there are very few active men, I see why they can’t “spare” them for primary. But we have almost an equal amount of active men and women in our ward. That’s what happens when you live in an area where everyone is active and everyone is LDS.
EBK, I don’t think “2 deep men” is an excuse so much as a ridiculous over-reaction by Q12/FP. I am quite offended that the church deems all men are potential child molesters. It is the same reason why men and women can’t serve in bishoprics or mixed presidencies together–of course they would all develop affairs. It is stupid, sexist thinking and I wish they wouldn’t over-react to men’s hormones. But that’s what you get with a gerontocracy I guess.
Now your bishop may be particularly sexist and think that “women belong in primary”, but I think most bishops are pretty reasonable. I do think it is a practical decision as Habby Hubby suggested “I can either call 1 sister or 2 brothers, or a couple.”
MH – I too am a bit offended that my entire gender is considered highly suspected child molesters. “overreaction” is probably a good word to describe it. Are there not other ways to address and give the church (and the kids) protection from the small minority?
I heard a bishop tell me the key to being a bishop was simple: Get the married people to start having sex and keep the single people from having sex. The church is much better at the latter than the first (my moniker is an attempt at being positive).
In my previous ward, we made it a point to always call two teachers to every class. Gender wasn’t an issue in who to call. More often than not, when spouses were called together, they taught different classes with someone of the same gender. This had a few advantages
1. If a couple went out of town, it didn’t knock out the whole class
2. When one spouse was called elsewhere, there was less pressure to release both spouses since they weren’t operating as a unit anyway
3. On paper, we could claim that classes taught by men had two teachers, even if we looked the other way when only one showed up ( although in these situations, we’d usually leave the classroom door open. But that’s a reasonable youth protection measure anyway )
I asked three times in my previous ward to be put in Primary. it never happened for some reason. My prideful nature likes to believe that it’s because I am so good at other things that few people really excel at that the bishopric wouldn’t put me in a calling that most anyone could (not would) do. More likely, it’s because they already thought I was doing too much. When we moved out, one of the counselors asked how many callings I would be released from. He was surprised when my wife told him three. He thought I had a few more.
Here is one for you, 27 years in primary! While I love primary I feel forgotten.
I am the Young Women’s President. it is the hardest calling I have ever had. I love the girls whole- heartedly, but dealing with parents.. stake leaders…meetings… weekly activities, sometimes 2 or 3 a week. Plus I own a business and have 6 kids. I want to serve well, but when I devote the time I think I need to the calling, my home and work suffers. When I slow things down in Young Womens, the girls/ parents/other leaders seem disappointed. I am a shy person and having to deal with people drains me. We are a small ward, but I have been so happy to be in primary and nursery. i love children and am gifted with them. Not sure why I was taken out and put in a calling that increases my anxiety , depression and makes my life so much harder , when they need people in the callings I was taken out of. Worst fit ever. Lots of unspoken shame about being released or saying no. teaching my kids its best to say no. I ‘ve had many ladies say yes and then not do their calling, which adds to my burden as president.