I started reading twelve-step literature as a part of grief recovery. It has not had much of an impact on my way of thinking about grief or recovery, but it has very much helped me think about God, completeness and healing. It has also taught me lessons about honesty.
One of the core afflictions of addiction and addictive behavior is self-deception. Resentment (usually of those you have wronged), self-deception and dishonesty all swirl around addictive behavior with drugs, gambling, sex, alcohol, anger, food (though, strange enough, there are no twelve-step programs to avoid rock & roll).
The antidote all of the various twelve-step programs have to the intrinsic dishonesty of their various addictions is the concept of a searching and fearless moral inventory, admitting wrongs, especially those that create resentments, and making both amends and admissions (to God, oneself and to other human beings).
You can see the threads of it in groups like the Arbringer Institute (source of the books Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting out of the Box and The Anatomy of Peace: Resolving the Heart of Conflict). Not only that, but early prophets in our dispensation talking about prayer and about what effective prayer requires and how to open oneself to inspiration are echoed in the twelve-step literature of half a century or more later.
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You can see the same threads in truly spiritual people (and the focus on the difference between spiritual people and religious people noted in many health care settings).
I’ve had some surprises though. I’ve been surprised by the number of people who respond with anger or insult at the thought that holding on to resentment is a flaw of any kind or a barrier to God. They don’t accept either the New Testament or the D&C where it says “Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.”
When Christ called resentment for wrongs done to you a greater sin than the wrong, he was tapping into a truth about how resentment cuts us off from God. Yet many complain that it is unfair to suggest that it is wrong to reject what Christ had to say. That any belief that sins, especially resentments or anger, can interfere with our ability to feel the Spirit or hear from God is wrong — that anger and resentment obviously do not interfere with our connection to God.
My question is simpler than the Arbringer question (which is “what wrong have you committed against those you resent?”). Rather, my question is whether or not it is wrong to reflect and consider the concept that holding on to resentments will create a barrier between us and God? Is that something that extends beyond just those who are afflicted with addictive behavior? Is there some special category of resentments and anger that is privileged so that it does not interfere, does not drive out charity and love? Will God really come in and sup with us if we purify ourselves of such things?
Is it possible to be spiritual and filled with resentment? Or can you just be religious and filled with resentment (and if so, is your religion vain)? Do we really have to forgive all? Why?
Wheat & Tares 
Stephan,
Thanks for the thought-provoking post. What seems so obivious at first glance for me was really something I had to think about.
We like to quote D&C 64:10,
“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”
Easier said than done. What struck me is that even God must forgive someone who truly repents. So, do we expect any less of ourselves?
Resentment and unfogiveness is an internal thing. It only affects us. Not the other person. It probably affects how we treat that other person, but it is really a self-inflicted thing.
So, maintaining it is really something that creates a barrier, like you stated. I don’t see how it can’t.
And I would be surprised anyone could justify that that barrier of anger and resentment, which would hamper our own spirituality and access to God, does not exist.
I can’t speak to what can cut a person off from God. But there is a difference between resenting something and accepting some truth about it. For example, I could resent the fact that women are not given positions of authority in the LDS church. Or I could accept the current status quo, and focus on things I can change or impact. The difference for my mental health is important IMO. Acceptance is acknowledging things are the way they are, without approving of the way something is.
When a person spends their emotional energy dwelling on resentments, of their parents, for example, it can take time and energy away from living life. Not that a person might have legitimate grievances or reasons for anger. But at some point, a person has to accept where they are, and figure out things they can change. No one can change the past.
Interesting post, thanks.
It’s not wrong to reflect and consider such.
It’s just, after reflection and consideration, one comes to the conclusion that holding on to resentments or not seems irrelevant to whether one has a barrier with God or not.
This may be a possibility to explain it.
Apparently yes.
We don’t “have” to do anything, but I think forgiveness will make us feel more at peace with ourselves and others than the alternative…and no matter how much festering will make you think it’ll feel better in the short run…it never actually satisfies in the long run.
But this has little to do with God.
Aerin,
Saw an interesting quote at the gym of all places:
“Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past.”
Seems in line with the sentiments you expressed.
Andrew, I get from your comments that you think that people can be filled with resentment without it forming an impediment to the Spirit. “Apparently yes.”
I’d like to hear more on your reflections and conclusions in that regards.
My own journey with resentment concluded that for me (and I can’t speak for anyone else), resentment was of my own making, and it blocked my own happiness. Especially in my personal relationships, I have a huge role in the development of resentments.
(Was it Nelson Mandela who said resentment is like drinking a poison and hoping your enemies will die?)
Aerin, I appreciate your point of view that it is far better to focus on what we can do rather than to focus on what has been done to us.
As to the link between resentments and spirituality — I think we can still feel the spirit when we also carry resentments, just as we can feel the spirit when we are sinners in other ways. But just as freeing ourselves from sin allows greater access to the spirit, so does freeing ourselves from resentment.
And we do both the same way: through the atonement.
re 5:
Stephen,
Sorry; this’ll be a little long-winded.
I’m carrying out the internal logic of this post, last post, and my own experiences (along with those shared by some others). You write today:
I guess I missed the people who wrote these things. I saw comments more like:
emphasis added
The frustration isn’t in the suggestion that resentment (or some other flaw) may impede one from feeling the Spirit. It’s the idea that harboring resentment, or having other unreconciled wrongs, is the ONLY barrier to feeling the spirit, and but for these things, the spirit would flow freely.
The problem is that we could argue that ANYONE and EVERYONE harbors some resentments, and so someone who protests, “I don’t seem to hear the Spirit, but I am not harboring resentments” can easily be dismissed with, “You’re being self-deceptive — work on being more honest about your resentments.”
OK, so let’s take it that anyone and everyone harbors some resentments. It’s probably as noncontroversial as a claim that “nobody is perfect.”
The problem is that…among the masses of imperfect, resent-harboring people (e.g., everyone) many people do seem to hear the Spirit. The problem is we don’t see correlation based on traits like “resentment” or “lack of resentment.” So, it doesn’t seem to be the case that the people who claim or seem to be most in communication with the spirit are those who seem to be “least resentful” or whatever.
Jeff quotes D&C 64:10. I don’t know about you, but…
“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”
…says something VERY different than…
“God must forgive someone who truly repents.”
God will forgive whom he will forgive. Regardless of whether you forgive all men or not, God will forgive whom he will forgive. God’s grace, forgiveness, and even his very comfort, is a gift, undeserved (because we all have some wrong, some self-deception, or some resentment) and unearned (because our striving to fix wrongs does not warrant more forgiveness, spiritual experience, or whatever.
“Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.”
Esther Lederer(a.k.a Ann Landers)
I just read that quote today and thought it would be appropriate to post.
I think everyone feels some resentment at some point in their life towards others or even God. It is inevitable that we will feel it, but what we do with it is what matters. Do I think we can have the Spirit and feel resentment? Yes and no. If I am resentful and trying not to be (but still feel it despite that) I think I will be more likely to feel the Spirit than if I am feeling resentful and thinking of ways to get even with the person that hurt me. I think resentment just disturbs our peace, but sometimes it can take years to realize that on our own. We want to be justified NOW, and we don’t want to think others got away with something without paying for it, especially if we lost something because of their behavior (a decent childhood, etc.).
Having said that, I believe God is much more liberal, kind and loving than we realize and because He TRULY knows our hearts (the intents, the feelings, the desires, etc.) He will allow us to feel His Spirit based our heart and what we are seeking even if we struggle with resentment. If I truly resent someone, but know I shouldn’t and want to let go it, I can ask the Lord to help me let go of it. If I am feeling resentment towards the Lord though, then I have a problem and will spend a lot of time being angry feeling like I have no place to turn.
Andrew S
“God will forgive whom he will forgive. Regardless of whether you forgive all men or not, God will forgive whom he will forgive.’
Well, there is this:
“I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.” D&C 82:10
coupled with this:
“Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”
I surmise from that that the Lord must forgive those who truly repent. He has plenty of non-repentant sinners to not have to forgive.
re 10
Jeff, I thought you would bring scriptures like those up (and I do think that the scriptures provide cases for both — with different traditions picking which ones they will emphasize as they wish).
I guess this just pushes things back. Instead of “forgiving whom he will forgive” being the point of ambiguity, the point becomes what is considered “repentance” in the eyes of the Lord.
Good questions, Stephen.
Having engaged in a multitude of sins in my life, I can say that anger is the only sin I can think of that leaves me completely unable to feel the direction of The Spirit. Other sins have desensitized me and made the spirit harder to hear/feel, but I don’t know that I can think of anything else that makes it impossible to hear/feel The Spirit. I can’t think of any circumstance where I’ve been both angry and felt The Spirit at the same time.
Forgiveness is a vital virtue to learn. I also think it is primary to any social development. It is hard to become a friend, a companion, a spouse, a parent . . . without first learning to forgive.
And to further that, I think progressing from forgiving those we love, to forgiving those we hate (and letting go of hate entirely) is probably one of the last stages in becoming godlike and a true disciple of Christ.
This is timely for me and my life, so I appreciate the post and it is something goof for me to ponder.
I think we all have feelings, but it is the ability to respond or choose our response that I believe we taught about in the scriptures. If one feeds the resentment, it becomes a sickness within. If one feels it, gives no heed to it, and replaces those feelings with love…then one can be right with God.
Like other commandments, it is about self-discipline and controlling the natural man…not trying to jettison the God-given natural man from our souls.
Just wanted to add that I agree that anger and resentment are natural, valid feelings. I am very suspicious of someone who claims to never be angry. I think it has to do with how we process and deal with anger and feelings.
Again, this is not really related to feeling the spirit or being more in tune with the spirit. I’m thinking in terms of mental health and maturity, personally.
Also, I think denial is a part if this as well. That’s what I mean by some anger as a part of life. A great example for me is a young relative with cancer. I am angry about that. I don’t know how a person doesn’t watch a child with cancer and not get angry. With that said, eventually it has to be mourned and accepted, I can’t spend my life in anger about the fact that bad stuff happens. A lot of bad stuff happens, IMO, sometimes for no reason.
The Old Testament God is an angry God, dealing out punishments to sinners. He seems to resent those who do not worship Him.
Is God ever resentful in a perfect way?
Stephen
I was talking with a friend of mind about the very topic of forgiveness that you mentioned in the OP. We have both been reading up on the topic. We have read both scripture and books written by members and non members alike. I think this is important to do because it provides different perspective other than LDS. There was one book written by a psychiatrist that we both got the most information out of. The Doctor suggested that there are many levels of forgiveness. She went on to provide an example of a woman who was sexually abused by her brother and her parents knew what was going on and did nothing to stop it. The woman stated that while she forgave her parents and her brother. She did not want her brother to be a part of her life. Why, because he never fully acknowledged his part of the abuse.
I think I tend to agree with the Doctor and her premise of the principle of forgiveness. I forgave people in my branch who have said the hurtful things that made me decide to leave, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want them held accountable for their actions. People who need forgiveness need to know why what they did is so terrible, or hurtful to the person they hurt.
I don’t think that people can move forward without forgiveness and or the acknowledgment that forgiveness provides for both parties.
Andrew S,
“the point becomes what is considered “repentance” in the eyes of the Lord.”
Ah, I see, so it becomes a game of the definition of “is?”
There are certainly scriptures which explain this as well, but I not cite them this time.
but I am not sure how we go from here if there is a counterpoint to every point which is ambiguous unless you have faith in something at some point.
In other words, those are scriptures I believe. So it is not so ambiguous to me.
The Lord pointed out the steps to repentance and the way to know if we are forgiven or not. And the manner in which we stay forgiven, for that matter.
Hi Diane
Andrew s at 8, I wasn’t criticizing the posters, I was actually thinking of people I know, including someone quite dear to me who has had issues with resentments for about forty years.
Also, if you read Al Anon material (I like their daily reflections, for example, even though I don’t have any alcoholics in my life), there is a lot about how people were explosively angry at the thought that there was anything wrong with holding on to resentments.
I don’t mind long winded comments at all. I can see where I could have done with being less terse.
And, I don’t think that just because someone isn’t getting answers means that they are harboring festering resentments. I think there can be lots of other issues and reasons (and that not all reasons are caused by issues).
B.Russ — enjoyed what you had to say.
aerin — guess I need to do a post on 12 step programs and the anger at God people often find a need to express in them (especially in some of the programs more than others).
But yes, it is natural, and failing to accept and express that anger can sometimes block people from progress.
sunshine — the real problem is that often we miss our part in things — there is often a reason we were the target of things no one else experienced. I’m the only person I know who received public apologies from a law professor for mistreatment in class — and it happened twice.
I’d be crazy if I did not draw the conclusion from that experience that I was doing things that created an abnormal situation. I was. I got a handle on it. I don’t get that kind of abnormally abusive behavior out of people now.
On the other hand, they apologized too (without my having done anything to generate the apologies). We all made progress.
I would have to agree with you on the point that you bring up. For instance my personality on the internet is much different than in real life. I’m sure this is true for many participants here weather they want to admit it or not.
For my part I know that I am often taken off- gard when people say something to me in real life that I don’t appreciate. I will often give the person a pass or two. But when I finally call someone out on their behavior and they continue, I will then let you know in no uncertain terms that you’ve over stepped and the next time the behavior happens I don’t care who is around I speak my mind and usually people are taken a back by it.
Unlike you however, I’ve never received an apology and I think it would have gone a long way because at least it tells me that they aren’t being completely obtuse about the situation.
re 17:
Jeff,
Honestly, that’s how it feels.
The scriptures say, “X is this. Y is this. This is how things work.” However, even if someone is doing X and Y…they may not get the expected result.
So, of course, you have to redefine X and Y. “Actually, you were supposed to do Z!”
Or maybe, cast doubt that the person actually was doing X or Y at all. “Even though you THINK you were doing X or Y, you weren’t.”
re 19:
Stephen,
Gotcha.
Thanks. I guess the thing I got from the 12-step snippets in this post and the last post was a bit different though…the gist was: if you’re not getting answers, then it’s only because of your issues.
Basically, I think everyone who’s thinking about it is trying to account for this difference: why do some people have these kinds of spiritual experiences and others not? At this time, I’m just more apt to say whether people have spiritual experiences or not is more dependent on the powers that be (God) than on the person in question or his/her issues. Too many people can get a rather jolting message even in the depths of their “issues”/sins/whatever, while the most “clean-cut,” “righteous” (whatever these mean) people can be spiritually deaf.
My response in #21 was directed at stephen
#16 Sunshine: You raise a valuable point. Our forgiving someone does not absolve them of responsibility in their wrong doing. For instance, I can forgive someone for breaking into my home, but my doing so does not mean that person should not still be prosecuted for his crime.
And just because we forgive, and even love, the transgressor does not mean we have to welcome him or her into our lives in a way that risks our own safety.
This is an important 12-step principle. I may forgive the addict in my life for money stolen or other harm caused, but I would be fooling to continue to enable his addiction.
That said, I hold that resentment is more than simply not yet forgiving someone. It may also be my own building up an expectation of what that person should have done, and because he does not do it, I bear resentment toward him. The two may be related — I may expect an apology when I am wronged and not get it and therefore bear resentment. But I may have some other expectation — that my spouse will treat me in a certain way, for instance — that is not met, and I may bear resentment for that, even if my spouse is unaware of my expectation. In both cases, the resentment is my own doing and has little to do with the repentance of the transgressor.
(I did not mean my final paragraph to be a direct response to Sunshine, but rather simply an additional thought beyond my response to S’s comment.)
@ paul
I pretty much agree with you on what you’ve stated.
I think the process of forgiveness is hard for me personally, because I feel like its’ an action. The action can’t be completed with out the other participant and that leaves me feeling stuck sometimes. I’m sure resentment does come into play. Both you and say and I’ve stated that happens when there is a lack of acknowledgment. In some cases the acknowledgment can’t come because the other party refuses to talk about the situation.
I’ve been watching a program on 48 hours they did a documentary on prison programs where the offender of serious crimes like murder, etc, comes face to face with the victims families. Some of these prisoners really do seem to grasp the totality of their actions and I can tell when they are sincere because they look the family members in there faces when they speak and they don’t make excuses for what they’ve done. I’ve seen family members feel better being given the opportunity to confront the person. Yes, they then begin another journey, but they are at least able to find some satisfaction for lack of a better word at confronting the person.
I wish I can confront my leadership the same way, these families were able to confront the prisoners, as it stands they repeatedly refused to speak which led to my resentment.
I think learning to forgive is one of the most difficult things we are asked to do, which is part of why it is so important. This isn’t to say that we never feel anger and resentment, but rather that we strive to mindful of those emotions, acknowledge them without blame, and try to choose another way. Ultimately, holding on (and that’s the key) to our anger ans resentments traps us in the past and keeps us in the power of those who have wronged us. Forgiveness, then, is not about them. It is about us taking our lives and our power back.
I must surrender my resentment, my grudges if I am to feel as one with God. I also agree that resentment and anger are natural. We must find a way to let go and let God.
I also agree with the Arbinger Institute. Those trainings I had were life changing.
This also reminds me of The Peacegiver.
As far as resentment goes, I think that the problems addressed by 12-step programs do get to the core of the matter at times.
I know of one individual who has wronged me to the extent that there is no way that anyone could exact retribution of any meaningful kind from them. Some people are just so naturally destructive that undoing anything that they have committed is utterly impossible. However, the grief does not go away.
A family member happened to bring up the subject of such a person to me, and during the conversation, casually stated that this person had “ruined my life.” I was privately upset about that remark for days, since the consequences of my association with this person were far reaching, and permanent. However, the comment that my life was “ruined” seems to imply that without what was irretrievably lost, there isn’t anything left.
That is the sort of thinking that does build up resentments that cannot be dealt with rationally. There are some things that a person may do that cannot be “fixed” in any meaningful way; and even killing such a person would not improve the emotional state of those damaged by them, nor restore any of the damage caused. My particular person has been dead over a year; and the only result that I have gotten is the certain knowlege that if anything goes wrong after this point, then I had better get ready to blame myself, because I have no interference with my life nowadays. I also recognize the fact that the accelerated damage was caused by my own vices and imperfections being exploited by this person. So accepting my own imperfections as part of the root cause has come very slowly.