News stories have recently brought to light increased concern over LGBT Mormons in the context of mental health issues and suicide (here and here). Those articles contain helpful information specific to LGBT Mormons and their loved ones, and there are also many other resources online (see here, for example). A main suicide risk factor in this population and any other is depression.
Some Background
To grasp the effects of depression it’s helpful to understand the treatments. Medical professionals use two methods, either separately or in combination: medication and talk therapy. The medication counteracts the depression at the biochemical level. Like jump-starting a car battery, they help boost your energy so you can at least function at a basic level. Medications can also help restore an ability to feel positive effects from natural re-charging activities: religious worship, exercising, hobbies, spending time with loved ones, etc. Medications are often meant only as a temporary crutch.
The other treatment medical professionals use is talk therapy. This is more than just sitting and venting about your troubles. The therapist can help you find healthy ways to cope with trauma or grief that is contributing to the illness. A major reason for therapy, though, is that depression changes the way you think. Depression is like a funhouse-mirror, drastically distorting your perception of reality. The illness latches on to insecurities, fears, embarrassments and turns them into suffocating behemoths. The negativity finds avenues to reinforce itself, sucking you into whirlpools of helplessness and despair. The mental health professional helps identify the distorted thought patterns and teaches tools to recognize and disrupt their influence.
Mormon Beliefs through the Lens of Depression
When you view the world through the filter of depression, you see things differently than mentally healthy people. Religious beliefs take on new meaning. Below are some Mormon beliefs that can be used by a depressed person to justify and reinforce thoughts of death as a solution to their challenges.[1] Also listed are some ways you can respond if presented with these interpretations. Never ignore comments about suicide, even if the individual herself dismisses them as inconsequential.[2]
The afterlife is awesome. Most of us who’ve spent some time in the church have heard the idea attributed to Joseph Smith about the Telestial Kingdom: it is so amazing that if people saw it they’d kill themselves to get there (that’s why God had to instill a fear of death in humans). Besides the fact that depressed people have already lost the fear of death, this belief offers significant hope. “No matter where I end up in the afterlife, it’s infinitely better than the hell I’m living now.” Other people inadvertently reinforce this idea when speaking about those who’ve passed, “They’re in a better place now. They aren’t in pain anymore.”
What you can say: In the first place, there are questions surrounding the origin of the statement. Secondly, even if the statement were true, it would be foolish for someone miss out on the happiness God intended for them in this life in their zeal to obtain whatever happiness is in the life to come. Humans are built to experience joy in this life as well as the next.
My resurrected body will be perfect. Depression constantly reminds you of your weaknesses (real or perceived). If you see those weakness as defects arising from the fallen nature of your mortal body, a knowledge that the defects will be gone after death is comforting. The more pain you tie to those weaknesses (through the insecurity, shame and embarrassment that depression magnifies so well), the more you earnestly look forward to the elimination of those defects in the next life. For me, it was believing I’d have to deal with the constant depression for the rest of my life. For LGBT Mormons, they might perceive the confusion around their sexual orientation or gender identity itself as a defect of mortality that will go away after they die.
What you can say: We don’t know very much about the resurrection and what changes it will entail. Prophets have had a few interactions with resurrected beings, but descriptions of appearance and clothing doesn’t really give us much to go one. Medical problems, like mental illness, do present challenges, but God continuously inspires men and women to make marvelous discoveries to aid us in mortality. When it comes to gender identity and sexual orientation… we don’t have a detailed view of what eternity will look like with this. God hasn’t given us enough light and knowledge to put together all the pieces yet, but luckily he will give you the knowledge and direction you need to live the happy, fulfilling life our Heavenly Parents intended for you here on earth.
Death is preferable to sexual sin. This fallacy has, unfortunately, become ingrained in our culture. It’s typically attributed to Bruce R. McConkie, “Better dead clean, than alive unclean. Many is the faithful Latter-day Saint parent who has sent a son or daughter on a mission or otherwise out into the world with the direction, ‘I would rather have you come back home in a pine box with your virtue than return alive without it’”[3]. For a depressed individual who is concerned about previous actions of a sexual nature or even just temptations of actions of a sexual nature, they may begin to feel that death is their best option. This belief is particularly dangerous for LGBT Mormons struggling with depression.
What you can say: This idea is wrong. FLAT-OUT WRONG. For one, it completely ignores the Atonement. Second, there’s the blindingly obvious: if you ever talk to a parent who has lost a child, they want that child back, no matter what he or she may have done. Finally, the statement in Alma 39:5 concerning the gravity of sexual sin was made to Corianton – a man who is later mentioned as preaching the gospel to the Nephites in the company of other church leaders (49:30) AND who didn’t end up in charge of keeping the sacred records ONLY because he happened to be out of the country at the time (63:10-11). Clearly God still had some use for Corianton in spite of sexual transgression as a youth.
Don’t be a weak link. This belief is tied to the idea of family honor. McConkie’s pine box quote also applies, where family expectations exert heavy pressure on individuals. A child’s visible success is thought to be a direct reflection on the righteousness of parents. Failure to live up to family expectations doesn’t just reflect poorly on the individual, it reflects poorly on the entire family. You are expected to live in a way that honors the sacrifices your parents and ancestors made. Through the filter of depression, the individual becomes convinced that their perceived weaknesses and failures are too much. They are a complete and utter disappointment, and if they aren’t outright rejected by their loved ones, they will be a continual source of embarrassment. Rather than living as a weak link, it’d be better to remove themselves entirely from the chain.
What you can say: Again, the blindingly obvious: if you ever talk to a parent who has lost a child, they want that child back, no matter what. If you talk to a wife and her children, they want their husband and dad back, no matter what. To make assumptions that family members will reject you without giving them an opportunity to prove themselves is blatantly unfair. They deserve more credit than that. There might be times where they behave as expected, but, more often than not, you’ll be surprised.
God designed me to fill a certain role. The depressed individual now believes they’ve come up short on God’s expectations (often around gender roles), and their loved ones are paying the price. I’ve talked to many women who all experienced the same thoughts I did: “I’m a failure as a mother. I’m supposed to like this, but I don’t. I can’t even take care of children’s basic needs. I can’t be the wife my husband deserves. I can’t be the mother my children deserve. It would be better if someone else took my place. My husband would be happier. My children would be happier.” The guilt from infertility, “I can’t even get pregnant, something any teenage girl can do. This is why I came to this earth and I’m failing. My husband wants a child, and I can’t give it to him. He deserves better.” The guilt of a father who can’t provide, “This is my job, this is my God-given role, and I can’t do it. My family deserves better.”
What you can say: Your family wants YOU. Not someone else. There might be unexpected challenges and disappointments, but they want to face those with you by their side. You have a unique set of gifts and talents that bring strength to your family and those around you. You don’t get to decide what they deserve – that’s not your job. Again, making a unilateral decision that removing yourself is best from your loved ones is blatantly unfair. As for the role God designed for you, you need to go directly to the source to find out what that is. Your path is up to you and God, not cultural expectations.
Discuss.
[1] These are based on personal experience as a life-long member of the church who spent way too much time with depression and thoughts of suicide over the past decade. Some of these counter-arguments are based on real conversations that helped me recover good perspective at the time.
[2] If the person is showing signs of depression, encourage them to seek a mental health professional. If they admit to suicidal thoughts, call the 24-hour, toll-free confidential National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or go to http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
[3] Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, Second Edition, Page 124.
Wheat & Tares 
The reasons for suicide are many and complex but shame and disgust often play a very big role. The dissonance and self loathing that can be generated from believing and therefore wanting to be what the church wants you to be instead of who you actually are cannot be dismissed as a significnt contributing factor.
Dr. Allan Schore on the role of shame in suicide
I always appreciated Elder Alexander Morrison’s book Valley of Sorrow: a layman’s guide to mental illness for latter-day saints. Read it after my mission while at BYU. I had the chance to find Elder Morrison talking to a group of 6 students in the law library one time by happenstance my first year as an undergrad and sat in as he talked with them for a couple hours about dealing with stress depression and other challenges of life. A sublime experience if there was ever one and helped me to recognize for the first time certain tendencies and issues I have myself, that I have to address. A gentle man who combines the perfectly applying the atonement and the practices of health professionals. God bless him and all like him.
Does anyone else find that Mormon culture still disincentivizes seeking treatment for mental health? That despite Elder Holland’s exhortations to the contrary, the depressed person is still expected to pray him or herself better?
We always pray…
I think there is more encouragement for professional counseling than ever before. Bishops know they are not trained as mental health specialists, and they encourage professional treatment (along with prayer).
ji: I really hope you are correct. It’s encouraging to hear you say so.
Mary Ann: great post. I’m glad you did this.
I think both medication and talk therapy can be tremendously helpful for those who suffer from depression and suicidal ideation.
Yet for the LGBT Mormon, while these treatments may be beneficial, I’m not sure I think they treat the problem. The symptoms perhaps but not the problem. When a doctrine and a culture revere heteronormativity and openly condemn homosexuality, people are going to suffer. Unrealistic expectations of lifelong celibacy, social shaming, religious indoctrination of one “right” way to be and live- all of these create the problem. And, in my opinion, medication and talk therapy, helpful as they can be, will always be less effective than removing the damaging social/religious ideas and stigmas causing the problem in the first place.
This article really hit home for me. I know that these are some of the same teachings that made depression so difficult to get out of for me as well. When you combine the “sexual sin is next to murder” with “better off dead than unclean”, top it off with “whosoever looketh on a woman to lust… Has committed adultery”…. Suddenly you don’t have to be LGBTQ to have the same perilous spiral into the depths of depression, feeding off your religiosity.
I so wish that someone in a place of authority would just stand up in conference and say, “McConkie had it WRONG! God wants you alive. I want you teens and young adults to Live! We can work on whatever sins you think you’re committing”
Corey:
“I so wish that someone in a place of authority would just stand up in conference and say, God wants you alive. I want you teens and young adults to Live! We can work on whatever sins you think you’re committing”
Jut leave out what McConkie said. What good is it going to do for you or anyone else to say that?
Everybody:
Whether homosexual or heterosexual, it all hurts. I am heterosexual. From young on when it came to sociability I was as useless as a broken fence post. Dating turned out to be negative but my body wanted things badly and one day I learned about something I would later learn was called masturbation. My body loved it, but in time my spirit said no. Now in the way I see things, all living people are made up of two different things – physical and spiritual matter. The physical matter is just a place of residence. The spiritual matter is who you are. We are here to learn how to control the physical stuff we are in. So even though the masturbation was great for the physical, I could never feel good about it and it got worse as time went on. One of my friends in the church said he had tried to quit and couldn’t. The same thing happened to me. Later on and before my mission, two guys outside the church told me about things they did with girls and I said I wouldn’t do that because it was wrong. They looked surprisingly at me and then one of them asked me, “Do you masturbate?” More than anything else I wanted to say no, and maybe I should have, but, with grief, I said “yes”. And then the worst part came. He said to the other guy, “At least he’s human.” I knew that was the last thing I wanted to be and I felt terrible. I knew that wasn’t coming from outside of me but that was coming from something inside me. I’ve never forgotten it.
Going on a mission will not solve it. Getting married will not solve it. Lying too yourself will not solve it. (By the way. “There’s nothing wrong with it” is a lie. Make sure you know a lie from the truth.) You must fight it and overcome it whether its feelings stay in your body or not.
Now about the homosexual and about all the words associated with it. May God be with you. I know nothing about that. It’s very high time for you guys to find out what God will do for you. I can’t preach it, but I believe you can. So do it!
Thanks all for the comments.
#3 Joni – yes, it’s still there. There was one article on depression in the February Ensign, but it wasn’t reprinted in the Liahona. There were, however, several articles in both the January and February magazines that talk about positive outlook as a choice we make, happiness as the result of righteousness, and praying/reading scriptures/etc. as all we need to get through those rough patches of feeling depressed and overwhelmed. Even Eyring telling the story of his dad dealing with the death of his wife gets across of message of “If we have a complete understanding of the Plan of Salvation, we don’t experience grief at the death of loved ones.”
Because of the stigma against mental illness, people don’t like to talk about their experiences and others who haven’t dealt with it (either themselves or with loved ones) just don’t have it on their radar. So when you get RS lessons telling us we need to just choose to be happy, or that we really need to identify and focus on our weaknesses (“Lord, is it I?”), the teachers often don’t realize that they can be sending some difficult messages to those dealing with depression.
#6 LH – that’s a big problem. I had a gay cousin step away from the church decades ago after four of his friends committed suicide. For him, he felt it was a matter of life and death.
In an op-ed at the Deseret News today, John Gustav-Wrathall stated, “Most LGBT people I know do not feel safe in the LDS Church. Even when members and leaders at the local level welcome them (in the way my ward has welcomed me) church doctrine and policy feel invalidating to them at a profound and personal level.” http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865646442/John-Gustav-Wrathall-Show-an-increase-of-love.html?pg=all
#7 Corey – yes, I was really hoping to get across the idea that these are dangerous interpretations for any depressed member, not just LGBT.
Perhaps also worth noting that not all types of “talk therapy” are created equal. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been demonstrated to be very effective, with long-term benefits. Other types of therapy may not be as effective, so be a wise consumer about what you are getting.
Yes, I can also confirm that there is much more emphasis on getting professional help. We live far from Utah, but about 10 years ago the church hired full-time social services professionals in our area. Well, in the larger city 2 hours away. But someone comes to our town for a half-day every two weeks. And the bishop maintains a list of local mental health professionals who are respectful of our beliefs, for those who have insurance.
So Bishops and Relief Society presidents are now encouraged to refer those who need it to professional help, in order to make sure the people get the best help possible, to prevent the leader from doing harm through lack of training, and to free up the leader’s time for ministry.
LH – “And, in my opinion, medication and talk therapy, helpful as they can be, will always be less effective than removing the damaging social/religious ideas and stigmas causing the problem in the first place.”
This. What competent doctor or true friend won’t look at the person in pain and say, first, let’s take this pointy stick out of your body.
Anon, I’m curious if you really put deep thought into that imagery, but whatever.
Yes, we’ve got problems in the church. The point is that you need to get the person in a mentally healthy state so that they have an accurate picture. At that point they can decide what will be the healthiest course of action going forward.
While bullying or family rejection could be considered acute trauma, the issues described above are items that become deeply embedded within the psyche over time. It’s like the factors that eventually create the conditions for a heart attack. You can’t just magically make them disappear, even after the patient is stabilized. You have to work on each factor individually to lessen the risk of heart attack in the future.
Someone can use the responses in the OP as a temporary disruption, but it doesn’t fix the angst which latched on to the unhealthy interpretations in the first place. That takes long-term help from people who have experience.
The point is that you need to get the person in a mentally healthy state so that they have an accurate picture.
I’m trying very, very hard to imagine Jesus saying something like this.
That’s funny. I can. Jesus would have taken away the depression while he was healing all the other kids and told the kid to “see.” Then the kid would have been able to behold Jesus and understand how much Christ cared for him, just like all the other kids.
And left the pointy stick?
Mary Ann – “Anon, I’m curious if you really put deep thought into that imagery, but whatever.”
Sorry, maybe not. I just meant to second the quoted comment.
My lifelong struggle with depression and anxiety was helped to some degree by medication and talk therapy. But the real breakthrough came when I consciously rejected certain church teachings. I can still see my tendency to “catastrophize,” for instance, but there’s very little raw material left to do it with in my changed belief system.
Again, apologies.
Howard, it’s depression that causes suicides. The church is one factor contributing to depression, but religious belief is also a strong factor in surviving depression. Changing doctrine won’t take away genetic predisposition. Changing doctrine won’t change centuries-old cultural biases. Changing doctrine won’t magically reverse a family member’s innate biases. Changing doctrine won’t stop you from getting targeted by a bully at school. Changing doctrine doesn’t stop the grief from the death of a friend. Changing doctrine won’t take away other trauma you’ve experienced.
If the doctrine is *the* major contributing factor in the depression, then, yes, it must be removed for full healing to take place (like with Anon). If doctrine is not the main factor for that individual, though, then changing it won’t remove the depression. Changing doctrine will remove one contributing factor, but it doesn’t remove all of them.
People could look at the sum total of my experience and inform me that changing doctrine about gender would have prevented my depression, but that’s wrong. I have underlying genetic factors. Once I got those biological issues addressed, the gender stuff wasn’t quite as overwhelming. I still disagree with a lot of beliefs about it, but the depression doesn’t have power to latch on to those anymore.
Mary Ann, do recal reading my #1?
Yes, I do. And I watched the video. Allan Schore is discussing shame in babies and how that sets up a lifelong susceptibility to attachment issues (that’s why he mentions screaming babies) If you read the transcripts from other videos, he is concerned about depressed mothers transmitting those attachment problems to those babies. In a later video discussing the treatment of older suicidal patients, he remarks on how critical shame had played on the first year of life in getting those individuals to that point: “Because of the early relational attachment trauma, the usual developmental milestones are not reached when we’re talking about social/emotional development. In the first year of life, because of good attachment, the child comes to a sense of trust and the child comes to a sense of safety. For these individuals that was never attained, and therefore it is difficult at any moment of time for them to actually feel — especially with another human being in whom there is potential contact. And now I’m talking about deeper contact. I’m not talking about left hemisphere intellectual understandings. I’m talking about deeper contacts, so to speak. Which will allow them to have deeper contact of their own selves.”
Later, “the therapy of suicidal patients really is to build structure that was not there in the first place. I mean, it’s more than a psychological treatment. It’s to build a right brain structure that can ultimately regulate affects interactively or through auto-regulations.”
http://www.psychalive.org/video-dr-allan-schore-key-factors-treating-suicidal-individuals/
Again, without getting to the roots of the depression, changing doctrine will do nothing.
So do you think it’s a good idea to poke these people with with a pointy sick of shame?
In babies like your video stated? No. Not a good idea.
You switching back to adults/teens now? Never a good idea to poke anyone with shame. Those who are depressed (or predisposed to depression) will react much worse than mentally healthy people because depression magnifies guilt and shame to exponential levels. It’s too simplistic to say shame –> depression –> suicide. There are too many factors in depression. There are too many factors in suicide.
Main risk factors for suicide:
Depression, other mental disorders, or substance abuse disorder
A prior suicide attempt
Family history of a mental disorder or substance abuse
Family history of suicide
Family violence, including physical or sexual abuse
Having guns or other firearms in the home
Incarceration, being in prison or jail
Being exposed to others’ suicidal behavior, such as that of family members, peers, or media figures.
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml
Main risk factors for depression:
“Many factors may play a role in depression, including genetics, brain biology and chemistry, and life events such as trauma, loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship, an early childhood experience, or any stressful situation. Depression can happen at any age, but often begins in the teens or early 20s or 30s.”
Click to access depression-what-you-need-to-know-pdf_151827.pdf
Near as I can tell, shame would contribute to two of those depression factors: difficult relationships or stressful situations.
Yes, we agree Mary Ann. 🙂
You seem to have a good grasp Allan Schore’s work, as an aside if you’re not already aware of it you may be interested in Ed Tronick’s Still Face Experiment. Some of Allan’s work seems to explain the dysfunctional side of Ed’s experiment while Ed explains the estimated requirements for a healthy outcome.
In my experience, both as a sufferer and relative of sufferers, depression will out – IOW, I will always find a reason to be depressed, or no reason at all. It’s brain chemistry. As Mary Ann quite rightly states in #19, changing doctrine may remove one trigger (and it may even be the foremost one in our minds right now). But there will be others if we’re wired that way. The solution, to the extent there is one, to suicidal thinking and depression does not lie in the manipulation of external circumstances.
Being currently unemployed, I realize I’m at risk right now. (So I take my meds, talk to my therapist, try to get some exercise, etc.) But if I found a great job tomorrow, there would be other things that would get to me. There is always, and will always be, something.
http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2016/02/08/mama_dragons_respond_to_gay_mormon_youth_suicide.html?wpsrc=sh_all_dt_tw_top