Hawkgrrrl’s 14 Fundamentals

by: hawkgrrrl

October 12, 2010

Some folks were surprised to hear the Ezra Taft Benson’s controversial list of 14 Fundamentals repeated twice at the most recent General Conference.  What many may not realize is that this list was really just one of many lists of 14 Fundamentals (patent pending) that were penned at the time.  For your perusal, I submit the lesser-known and totally apocryphal Hawkgrrrl’s 14 Fundamentals.

FirstHawkgrrrl is the only female hawk who speaks for the blog in everything. None of the other bloggers are either hawks or girls (I consider BiV a woman), so even though they too may speak for the blog, it will not be considered binding to our readers who are hawks.  So, I got that goin’ for me.

SecondThe living hawkgrrrl is more vital to us than already published blog postsEven than her own published blog posts, which are admittedly pretty darn good, too.  Of course, since vital means “alive,” and print is dead, this is kind of an obvious point.

Third:  Hawkgrrrl is more important to us than a dead hawk or a dead girlIf you have a dead girl on your hands, that’s probably going to cause you some legal problems, and while a dead hawk may not land you in jail, I don’t think the pet store will take that return.  Similarly, a living dog is better than a dead lion.

Fourth:  Hawkgrrrl will never lead the bloggernacle astrayDepending on the definitions of “astray” and “bloggernacle.”  But basically, she won’t lead others to a place she’s not willing to go herself.  At least not intentionally.

Fifth:   Hawkgrrrl is not required to have any particular earthly training or diplomas to speak on any subject or act on any matter at any timeFaithful readers of her posts will already know this one.

Sixth:  Hawkgrrrl does not have to say “Thus saith the Hawk” to give us stuff worth quoting elsewhere in the ‘nacle, in church talks, or in scintillating dinner conversationSeriously, I have never even used the phrase “Thus saith the Hawk,” and I quote myself all the time.  Although I do think that phrase has a nice ring to it.

Seventh:  Hawkgrrrl tells us what we need to know, not always what we want to knowAt least I like to think so.

Eighth:  Hawkgrrrl is not limited by men’s reasoningNor by hawk reasoning.  Nor by girl reasoning.  Nor by reasoning in general.

Ninth:  Hawkgrrrl can receive revelation on any matter—temporal or spiritualClearly, after all, I have the gift of the Holy Ghost and am entitled to revelation.

Tenth: Hawkgrrrl may well advise on civic mattersJust try to stop me!  And I may even make a good point once in a while.

Eleventh: The two groups who have the greatest difficulty in following Hawkgrrrl are the proud who are learned and the proud who are richAlso the proud who are just too proud to admit that I’m right.  Not feelin’ so proud now, are ya?

Twelfth:  Hawkgrrrl will not necessarily be popular with the world or the worldlyBut she does still expect a decent boss’s day gift and some nice birthday greetings.

Thirteenth: Hawkgrrrl and her fellow bloggers make up the perma team at Wheat & Tares —the highest decision-making body on the entire blog. The power, the absolute power!

Fourteenth: Hawkgrrrl and the Wheat & Tares blogging team—follow them and be blessed—reject them and sufferBut why would you reject us?  Why?  We are really nice, I promise!

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23 Responses to Hawkgrrrl’s 14 Fundamentals

  1. Stephen Marsh on October 12, 2010 at 6:30 AM

    Nor by reasoning in general. LOL

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  2. SteveS on October 12, 2010 at 7:41 AM

    Biting satire, hawkgrrrl. Kudos.

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  3. Mike S on October 12, 2010 at 8:06 AM

    You better be careful. You may be called on to apologize in front of the entire perma team at Wheat and Tares. And that may not be enough. You may be called on the next week to apologize in front of ALL the perma teams at ALL of the sites in the Bloggernacle. But it won’t matter, because private conversations between permas are “never” leaked so the rest of the masses will never know about the apology.

    So, at the end of the day, Hawkgrrrl’s 14 Fundamentals will live on, and likely even be quoted in their entirety decades from now in future blog posts.

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  4. GBSmith on October 12, 2010 at 8:49 AM

    People’s Republic of China

    Hawkgrrrl, you are our great leader and teacher. Hawkgrrrl, you are the red sun in our hearts.

    North Korea

    Hawkgrrrl, The Dear Leader

    Middle East

    Hawkgrrrl, the merciful, the beneficent, the wise. Your presence is like rain to the desert.

    Cuba

    VIVA

    As Stake RS Pres.

    Pres. Hawkgrrrl, we need a five minute talk in the evening session of stake conference on how making crafts in the meeting formerly know as enrichment strengthens the home. And by the way, a dinner for forty for between the Saturday sessions and remember, the stake president doesn’t like onions.

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  5. Jared on October 12, 2010 at 9:10 AM

    Memo to Hawkgrrl–

    Pray always that you enter not into temptation…

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  6. Will on October 12, 2010 at 9:14 AM

    Hawkgrrl,

    LOL. I’ve always thought of you as more of a Dove. Warmonger :)

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  7. brjones on October 12, 2010 at 12:09 PM

    Your twelfth Fundamental is absurd.

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  8. hawkgrrrl on October 12, 2010 at 2:55 PM

    Mike S – I hope folks will remind me when I’m saying something unreasonable – which I promise I will! But then I’ll just remind them of #5 and #8, and that will be the end of that.

    Jared – indeed!

    Will – part dove, part hawk. I like to keep folks guessing. I guess I would say: “be a dove to the hawks; be a hawk to the doves.”

    Brjones – you made my day!

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  9. FireTag on October 12, 2010 at 3:42 PM

    This foolishness will end as soon as Katar Hol returns, or when BiV changes her blog to Hieing to Thanagar, whichever happens first.

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  10. Mike S on October 12, 2010 at 5:54 PM

    #9 Firetag

    So does Katar Hol have the Levitical priesthood, and Hawkgrrl is only acting in this capacity until he returns? This violates rule #8 as well as a number of others.

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  11. hawkgrrrl on October 12, 2010 at 5:56 PM

    Katar Hol = Carter Hall? He would say I get 9 votes to his 1, so I have to think that’s a moot point.

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  12. FireTag on October 12, 2010 at 6:31 PM

    #10

    Don’t ask me. It’s my daughter who’s the High Priest.

    #11

    I think that depends on whether we’re talking the Golden Age Hawkman, the Silver Age Hawkman, or whatever revisionist history emerged since the Justice League cartoon came out.

    But Hal Jordan will ALWAYS be Green Lantern.

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  13. Thomas on October 12, 2010 at 6:36 PM

    I did notice, in Elder Costa’s discussion of that “Fourteen Fundamentals” address, that he omitted the most disturbing part of it — that is, President Benson’s statement (quoted from another Church leader) that even if the Prophet tells you to do something that is actually wrong, you will be blessed for your obedience.

    Gross error. “We ought to obey God rather than men.”

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  14. Mike S on October 12, 2010 at 6:44 PM

    Gross error: We ought to obey Hawkgrrrl rather than men.

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  15. Mormon Heretic on October 12, 2010 at 9:08 PM

    I love the graphic in this post!!!! (And the post was pretty darn funny too.)

    Like this comment? Thumb up 1

  16. jmb275 on October 13, 2010 at 10:34 AM

    Re #3 Mike S

    You better be careful. You may be called on to apologize in front of the entire perma team at Wheat and Tares.

    Actually, Mike, I read her post prior to its publication and I correlated it with approved Wheat and Tares doctrine and policies (I even made her change one line). It is 100% doctrine!

    All hail Hawkgrrrl!!

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  17. Brian Johnston on October 14, 2010 at 11:27 AM

    When I asked Hawkgrrl how she manages such a well organized and efficient blog, she replied simply: “We write for them correct articles, and they comment for themselves.”

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  18. el oso on October 15, 2010 at 4:49 PM

    So this is the type of post that gets your blog listed on MA the next day. I think that I will satirize Elder Bednar’s parable of the pickle talk to get my forthcoming blog recognized. Either that or put in the names of well know ‘nacle bloggers and commenters into the back story of faith promoting stories from the latest conference.

    Story #1: Madeline Wirthlin was talking with Hawkgirl at the Dees downtown during football practice and she told Sister Wirthlin: “Come what may and love it.”

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  19. Bored in Vernal on October 15, 2010 at 6:01 PM

    El oso, Mormon Matters was listed on MA, and nine of the eleven bloggers are now here at Wheat and Tares. We have been petitioning to be added ever since we made the change. Far from “getting added the next day,” MA wanted to make sure we were a “Mormon-friendly” blog. We believe we are, as well as having a sense of humor and being interested in discussing the issues of Mormonism in an open way.

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  20. hawkgrrrl on October 15, 2010 at 6:05 PM

    I’d better check out that pickle talk. I don’t remember it off the top of my head, but sounds like a winner!

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  21. Ziff on October 15, 2010 at 9:54 PM

    Ha! I love it, Hawkgrrrl!

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  22. el oso on October 16, 2010 at 1:04 AM

    BIV,
    I am a long-time lurker. I am actually surprised it took as long as it did to get you listed based upon your illustrious line-up. Looking forward to many great discussions in the future. Oh, and when can we get you and Hawk to be guest GD teachers in our ward?

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  23. […] any subject they want and they what they say supersedes anything previously said on that subject (kind of like hawkgrrrl).  So, how do we determine when they were speaking as men and when they were speaking as […]

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