Some folks were surprised to hear the Ezra Taft Benson’s controversial list of 14 Fundamentals repeated twice at the most recent General Conference. What many may not realize is that this list was really just one of many lists of 14 Fundamentals (patent pending) that were penned at the time. For your perusal, I submit the lesser-known and totally apocryphal Hawkgrrrl’s 14 Fundamentals.
First: Hawkgrrrl is the only female hawk who speaks for the blog in everything. None of the other bloggers are either hawks or girls (I consider BiV a woman), so even though they too may speak for the blog, it will not be considered binding to our readers who are hawks. So, I got that goin’ for me.
Second: The living hawkgrrrl is more vital to us than already published blog posts. Even than her own published blog posts, which are admittedly pretty darn good, too. Of course, since vital means “alive,” and print is dead, this is kind of an obvious point.
Third: Hawkgrrrl is more important to us than a dead hawk or a dead girl. If you have a dead girl on your hands, that’s probably going to cause you some legal problems, and while a dead hawk may not land you in jail, I don’t think the pet store will take that return. Similarly, a living dog is better than a dead lion.
Fourth: Hawkgrrrl will never lead the bloggernacle astray. Depending on the definitions of “astray” and “bloggernacle.” But basically, she won’t lead others to a place she’s not willing to go herself. At least not intentionally.
Fifth: Hawkgrrrl is not required to have any particular earthly training or diplomas to speak on any subject or act on any matter at any time. Faithful readers of her posts will already know this one.
Sixth: Hawkgrrrl does not have to say “Thus saith the Hawk” to give us stuff worth quoting elsewhere in the ‘nacle, in church talks, or in scintillating dinner conversation. Seriously, I have never even used the phrase “Thus saith the Hawk,” and I quote myself all the time. Although I do think that phrase has a nice ring to it.
Seventh: Hawkgrrrl tells us what we need to know, not always what we want to know. At least I like to think so.
Eighth: Hawkgrrrl is not limited by men’s reasoning. Nor by hawk reasoning. Nor by girl reasoning. Nor by reasoning in general.
Ninth: Hawkgrrrl can receive revelation on any matter—temporal or spiritual. Clearly, after all, I have the gift of the Holy Ghost and am entitled to revelation.
Tenth: Hawkgrrrl may well advise on civic matters. Just try to stop me! And I may even make a good point once in a while.
Eleventh: The two groups who have the greatest difficulty in following Hawkgrrrl are the proud who are learned and the proud who are rich. Also the proud who are just too proud to admit that I’m right. Not feelin’ so proud now, are ya?
Twelfth: Hawkgrrrl will not necessarily be popular with the world or the worldly. But she does still expect a decent boss’s day gift and some nice birthday greetings.
Thirteenth: Hawkgrrrl and her fellow bloggers make up the perma team at Wheat & Tares —the highest decision-making body on the entire blog. The power, the absolute power!
Fourteenth: Hawkgrrrl and the Wheat & Tares blogging team—follow them and be blessed—reject them and suffer. But why would you reject us? Why? We are really nice, I promise!