Existential therapy urges us to come to some kind of awareness of our own existence – not a description of our roles (a child of God, a parent, a friend, Mormon, Exmormon) or behaviors (go to school/work/church), but awareness that there is SOMEBODY in there. We know all about the house (the roles or behaviors) but don’t always really know who lives there. It’s a scary place to be. What happens if you stare into the abyss too long?
WHO are you?
In a Mormon Stories interview, Carol Lynn Pearson said something that really struck me. She said she was out of all her closets.
The question I have: WHO is in the closet? Do you even want to know? Along with this, WHAT is in there?
I would love to be out of all my closets. I would love to be like Nat Kelly or Holly Welker and seemingly be out. What does it mean to be out though? What’s REALLY in your closet? What’s really looking back at you when you stare into the abyss? Goodness? A Dark Passenger?
Many people claim to be open and honest and “out” as they communicate with anger, bitterness, or even just sarcasm or insensitivity. I always get a kick out of these people. They claim to be perfectly genuine and “real” yet they hide themselves. Especially online – it is SO easy to hide here, out in the open.
I would LOVE to be “out” of all my closets – at church, for example. If I only knew what was in there. The little I do know, I freely share.
One thing I believe that is in all of our closets is a Being that is good. Compassionate. Caring. Longing for connection. Willing to listen. Patient. Tolerant of ambiguity.
Sometimes we also have parts in our closets that are afraid, ashamed, lonely, abandoned, or hurt. We protect these parts and keep the door closed under a barrage of wit, sarcasm, political views, anger, religion, or an avatar.
Before we can come out, we need to know what’s in there.
What is in your closet?
“The essential question is not, ‘What is the meaning of life?’ It is ‘Who is asking the question?’” -Victor Frankl
Wheat & Tares 
You never know someone 100%. There will always be secrets that we keep from each other that will forever remain in our closets.
Very good post Adam. One of the ways I try to deal with this is by being open about my personal life. I confess this has been a problem for me in some ways, but in many situations it’s what allows me to deal with problems and the person “in the closet.”
My question would be, are we really sure it’s a good idea to have everything “out of the closet”?
I don’t think being out of the closet is as important as knowing what’s in there.
jmb – I think CC says it well – knowing what’s in there is the most important, being “out” is second to that, although like Jon said we may never be fully out. Personally I think everyone needs at least one or more people to be fully out too. To everyone else, maybe it’s a matter of degrees or quality.
Interestingly, this question lies at the core of Buddhism. When you find out what is underneath all of the layers, it brings peace, love, understanding, etc.
“If I only knew what was in there.” To me, that’s the crux. When people talk about being out it’s because they are keeping their egoic self a secret for some reason such as fear of rejection, but whether you wear it on your sleeve or not, it’s usually a self-deception anyway. All these personal declarations about who we are miss the point. We are evolving. We are not the voice in our heads, but the one listening to the voice in our heads. We should be careful about limiting and defining who we are through personal declarations.
And yet, I agree that we should not hold back or hide out of fear. I think some who do so are like an oyster with a grain of sand that they work on for so long that it becomes a pearl they covet and protect from others. Maybe that’s why the saying goes “Cast not your pearls before swine,” but I also think we should quit being so covetous of our pearls.
“We are evolving… We should be careful about limiting and defining who we are through personal declarations”
That’s why I’m so careful with what I declare – in testimony meeting, for example. I don’t say, “I know the church is true” but I also don’t say “I don’t know of the church is true.” Neither of those phrases resonate, nor do they come from ‘me’ I think. A non-doubting, truth declaring person is not me, and neither is the Skeptic. They are parts of me, but not the real Self. I know when I’m feeling skeptical it’s not really me but a defense. An important and functional defense if kept in check, but still just a defense.
having encountered holly welker in real life, I don’t admire her at all. if being out of the closet gives one license to be rude to people that disagree, then I think she needs to get back in he closet until she can learn some manners.
“having encountered holly welker in real life, I don’t admire her at all. if being out of the closet gives one license to be rude to people that disagree, then I think she needs to get back in he closet until she can learn some manners.”
Let the church say amen.
I think being “rude” is definitely not something coming from the Self. Being rude is often a way to protect what’s in the closet. I haven’t met her IRL so I can’t say anything, but I think many people confuse rudeness or other insensitive behaviors with genuineness.
Much like those who might say that their “calling and election is made sure,” anyone who is says they are totally out probably is not. It is probably not something that one would have to advertise.
Sounds a bit like a Scientology thing….. 🙂
Great post, Adam. I think a necessary prerequisite to truly coming out of any closet is the leaving behind (or at least fighting through) the natural desire to care what others think of us. And when we’re talking about the real Self, we’re usually talking about the opinions of those we care about most. I think I have a decent self-awareness, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to disregard the effects I feel revealing the “real” me would have on those closest to me, particularly on my children. Honestly, I don’t even know how I would go about revealing that person.
I generally agree with you, Adam, that the real self for most people, maybe all people, includes a being that is “good” (whatever that really means). I don’t think that gets you very far, though. The biggest question I’ve struggled with in my life is this: What truly determines the kind of person you are? Is it the things you do (even if they’re things you only do because you think you should) or is it the things you think, desire and believe? I used to get by telling myself that as long as I was doing the right things I was a good person. Certainly most of the people I know would agree. But I don’t believe it anymore. I don’t think at this point I can hide from the things I really think and feel, even if they always stay hidden inside me. I am who I am. If you asked me if I thought I was a good person and if I was being honest I’d say no. The funny thing about this is that I would honestly NEVER apply this standard to anyone else. I feel like I genuinely and naturally give others the benefit of the doubt, and I’m very glad that comes naturally to me. Unfortunately, that doesn’t translate to my image of myself.
Just curious: If you have not met Holly Welker in real life, why on earth do you feel qualified to say she is out? Does outspoken = out? (I don’t think so).
#13 – He didn’t say she was out, he specifically said she was “seemingly” out. Anyone with even limited exposure to another person is qualified to make such a statement, as it is one of opinion.
brjones: True. I guess I have a hard enough time determining if I or those I know well are “seemingly out.” It would be really hard for me to opine on the outness (or “seeming outness”) of someone I have not even met. But maybe I am just not very perceptive.
Well, I don’t necessarily disagree with you, Martin. If you don’t know someone to start with, it’s hard to know if they’re really out. Even with those we know well, as you said, it’s hard to know. Maybe Adam’s point is that when someone acts with disregard for what others think, it indicates an unusual comfort level with one’s thoughts and feelings. I don’t think that necessarily means that person is the most self aware or honest person going, but it’s indicative of something. I also agree that rudeness could be confused with self-awareness by this criteria.
I have talked honestly about my problems with depression and Anxiety attacks as well as being raised in foster care. I don’t talk about these things to gain sympathy, but rather to because I know someone will benefit from my experience,
But in my last branch people took this to mean that I was weak and blasted me for it and I got absolutely no support from my branch president and he has no idea how angry I am with him
I had an experience with this 18 months ago, I was going through a tough time, all I wanted to do was to give way to my fear, anger, pain, and jealousy.
I was at church and sacrement had just finished, my facade began to slip. Members of the ward gathered around asking if I was ok? Attempting to paint over the cracks I told them I was FINE!, but that did not stop the flow of concern, I had no choice but to run! Before my true identity was revealed and people saw my disfigurement.
There was a great short story in a collection of stories written by LDS scholars called A Thoughtful Faith. One story was about an NDE in which a doubting member who was somewhat bitter about things met his dead grandmother. Despite his attempts to mask his feelings with her, his words accurately portrayed his feelings. He couldn’t hide them any longer. And in not being able to hide them, he started to feel better. His grandmother was amused but also disappointed at his struggle to hide his anger with neutral words. She reminded him that he knew better than to harbor such bitterness, and because he was “not yet whole,” he was sent back to his body on earth. Integrity is about being whole. I have to think the story meant he was not whole because his words didn’t match his feelings, IOW, he lacked integrity. The grandmother wasn’t advocating he express his anger to become “whole,” but that he get past his petty grievances and find the ability to love again.
#12 – Brjones – If you have a handle of what is in there, that’s great I think. I have discovered that there is a lot about myself I don’t understand, or probably is yet to be uncovered. In couple therapy with my wife I learned a lot about emotions that I didn’t know were down there. It doesn’t need to be therapy, but a good therapist can dig around in the basement and find a lot, and also facilitate enough safety to express these things to those we care about. As a therapist I’m obviously biased in this regard though. ☺
Re: “what truly determines the kind of person you are?” I think who we are is much deeper than what we do, think, desire, or believe. Those things probably are part of it, or contribute to it, but I don’t think they are necessarily the core self. I may do a post in the future on the “Self” – I didn’t go into it much here. Stay tuned!
Martin Willey
Re: “why on earth do you feel qualified” and “I don’t think so” and “it would be really hard for me to opine” and “maybe I am just not very perceptive.” – I feel your contempt, brother. Perhaps you can come out and share with us what’s really going on underneath for you? Or if you don’t want to, that’s okay. I realize being open and honest is not as valued in your field as it is in mine. ZING! 😀
I do agree with brjones, and with you if what you’re saying is that rudeness or ‘outspokenness’ is not the same as self-awareness or openness.
diane – I hear you – that can make things difficult to share, or at least a little risky. We do learn that some types of people maybe prevent being open without consequences. Perhaps a necessity along with being “out” is also understanding when the other person is ready. Sometimes it’s impossible to know that, and we get burned. Sometimes rewarded with new closeness and security, but sometimes we just get burned.
“that he get past his petty grievances and find the ability to love again.”
Hawk – The ability to “love again” (or whatever may be the case) is down there for everyone, I think – it’s just SO difficult to consider, and often rather dangerous. They risk future pain, risk being abandoned or hurt all over again, etc. I totally agree though, becoming “whole” or having real integrity necessarily involves a congruence between what’s going on underneath and what’s coming out. Sometimes things come out with contempt or negativity when there are other things going on at the core. Things that the person feels need to be hidden away.
What if the closet is just full of clothes that you may or may not be comfortable wearing in public, but there is no ‘you’ in there at all? Just all your ideas about yourself?
Emily – it depends: Who is asking the question?
Exactly. Did we buy/inherit the clothes, or did the clothes buy us?
Where there are such apparently totally opposite world philosophies – a unique, eternally ‘individual’ soul vs. no separate self at all, you’ve gotta wonder if secretly it’s all the same thing.
Either way, though it is very helpful to look at what’s in the closet, and much to be learned from the layers of what we’ve decided to stash in there over the years, you’re more likely to exit through the back into the land of Narnia than you are to ever find your true Self. “Who” is a moving target.
Haha I was thinking Narnia too!
Perhaps the only real self that is not moving is qualitative in nature – things that every “Self” has, such as compassion, or fear, or suffering, or understanding. Perhaps the rest is just old clothes or doors or paint or moth balls or board games.
“She said she was out of all her closets.”
The thing about the unconscious is that it is unconscious. As soon as we are aware of it, it is no longer unconscious.
Anyone who reflects with any seriousness on themselves will admit that there is such a thing as unconscious material – true things about ourselves that we are not aware of, _not conscious of._ We can never say that we are out of all our closets because our closets contain material that we are unconscious of. The best we can do is say, “I attempt to be relentlessly honest with myself.” Or, ‘I am willing to try to come out of the closets if and when I discover that I am in them.’ But to say that you are out of all your closets in hubris. It’s like saying, “I’m whole, now.” Oh, yeah?
It is difficult business, because we are built to cover ourselves. And any social group has its own ways of encouraging us to not only be dishonest socially but to hedge against honesty with ourselves. The apt symbol is the fig leaf. Listen closely to those parts next time you do an endowment – powerful stuff there.
I don’t believe that it is necessary or desirable that we go around confessing every sin, or idiosyncrasy, even. But we can’t be involved in a cover-up, especially with ourselves. “Covering our sins” is one of the sure ways of grieving the Spirit, according to Sec 121 (closely associated with gratifying our pride, or our vain ambition). In one sense, it simply means refusing to live in reality where the blessings are.
I decided quite a while back that when I returned to the church I would err on the side of openness … partially because of a dream I had when I left the church that maybe I will type out again. I decided this when I discovered I was a liar. Not always out of bad motivations … sometimes I just wanted to spare other people from worrying about me, or myself the anxiety of knowing someone was worrying about me. A liar, all the same.
Right near the day I decided that for some indefinite amount of time I wouldn’t go to church or have significant contact with the church I had this dream:
I am sitting in a very large Mormon chapel. The tones are brown, woody, comforting. There is a man speaking at the pulpit, but I can’t make out anything he is saying. I look over and notice there a large hole blown open in the side of the chapel. No one else seems to notice it. Outside there is a wonderful storm going on. Things are being tossed about in the wind. I know that I will be going out into it, and am excited at the prospect. As I prepare to leave my grandfather, a man I associate with myself very closely, comes into the chapel through the hole in the wall. He is naked; is very thing, blue and black both from bruises and from frostbite. No one else seems to notice that he has come into the room, but and uncle of mine who tries to cover him with a blanket. My grandfather refuses to be covered, then turns to me and gives me a deep glance.
To summarize *wink*: I knew I would spend some time away from the church, and I knew when I returned I was meant to be a far more open person than I had been previously. ~