61 responses

  1. MH
    October 8, 2013

    This. Is. Awesome!

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  2. Hedgehog
    October 8, 2013

    Hilarious! I needed to laugh.

    Add ‘or Relief Society’ to the apostate definition though. That’s where my remarks get ‘the look’.

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  3. GBSmith
    October 8, 2013

    “Personal Revelation (n.) a gift whereby I may receive confirmation that your opinions are correct, or absent this, I am bound to obey anyway; similar to a Magic 8 ball, but only with Yes answers”

    Very true. It’s the reason I don’t bother to ask anymore.

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  4. Will
    October 8, 2013

    Absolutely Hilarious….

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  5. meems
    October 8, 2013

    I have that Saintspeak book and this is WAY better!

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  6. Howard
    October 8, 2013

    This is so funny because it’s so true! Which isn’t so funny!

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  7. stevenwhopkins
    October 8, 2013

    Mild drink made from barley or other grains (n) definitely not beer

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  8. Aaron Brown
    October 8, 2013

    Happiness: “The state of being in compliance with Mormon norms — a state possibly only achievable in the next life — regardless of the mental or emotional state such compliance (or attempted compliance) creates in a given person in the present.”

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  9. Diana Blackham
    October 8, 2013

    Prophetess: A word not defined in the Bible Dictionary. See also Deborah, a judge in Israel, and Miriam, Aaron’s sister.

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  10. Gordon
    October 8, 2013

    I’m pretty sure you’re going to hell…unless you repent of course. :)

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  11. John Moore
    October 8, 2013

    I would propose an expansion to “Talk”…My definition: “Give a Talk” LDS term for what other denominations would call “Preach a Sermon” but without any presuppositions relating to the possible presence of talented speakers OR uplifting messages.

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  12. PaulM
    October 8, 2013

    I would suggest adding the following two words to the beginning of your definition of “unrighteous dominion”:

    “a mythical”

    I’ve never actually heard anyone apply this phrase to any incident outside of a marital relationship.

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  13. Larrin
    October 8, 2013

    Excellent list and definitions. I recommend adding stake, tracting, and scriptorian.

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  14. Roger
    October 8, 2013

    Re #11. ……..Usually with minimal or less preparation

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  15. Joe
    October 8, 2013

    No “Loud Laughter” definition?

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  16. BrianJ
    October 8, 2013

    Please add “Sunday School”—a phrase where one word is accurate and the other is the opposite.

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  17. Chelsea
    October 8, 2013

    Perfect definition of Girl’s Camp, and it’s the reason for why I stopped going to it!

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  18. Mel
    October 8, 2013

    Here is the definition of prophetess in the LDS “The Guide to the Scriptures” on lds. org, but it works perfectly for here:
    “A woman who has received a testimony of Jesus and enjoys the spirit of revelation. A prophetess does not hold the priesthood or its keys.” Just add, “but every man identified as prophet has the priesthood and is the mouth piece for the Lord, unlike the ladies.”

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  19. cornponebread
    October 8, 2013

    Active (adj.) A person who sits on their duff for 3 hours every Sunday
    Inactive (adj.) A person who goes hiking, swimming, biking, running etc. in lieu of church

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  20. Couldnt Help Myself
    October 8, 2013

    “Scriptorian” (n) Someone who has read at least one chapter of the Book of Moses and is thereby qualified to pontificate about “deep doctrine”; provided, of course, it falls squarely within current orthodoxy. Otherwise, see “prideful.”

    “Deep doctrine” (n) A subject that must be immediately changed as soon as someone asks a trouble question about it (i.e., “That falls in the category of deep doctrine, so let’s reserve that for the scriptorians and instead, bear our testimonies of Joseph Smith’s shoe size. I know that he was a size 10, but with a narrow instep.”

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  21. Molly
    October 8, 2013

    I would also add: True Happiness: a state unattainable to anyone outside the church or living a lifestyle outside Mormon approved norms, regardless of how attractive, full and wonderful their life may seem.

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  22. ScottHeff
    October 8, 2013

    Wow. These are REALLY good.

    We’ve been posting “Saintspeak” (with permission) over at Modern Mormon Men letter by letter: http://www.modernmormonmen.com/search/label/Saintspeak

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  23. Michelle Glauser
    October 8, 2013

    Thank you. This made me laugh out loud.

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  24. RyGuy
    October 8, 2013

    Brilliant!I’d like to bear my testimony having just returned to “The Bubble” a year ago,that the definitions are true. Bravo.

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  25. Ems
    October 8, 2013

    The definition of self abuse as self-love was very poignant. I would add the inverse: the definition of self love in the church is actually self abuse.

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  26. Thomas A. Leek
    October 8, 2013

    Unanimus: A word used to indicate membership approval of a person who has been called to a leadership role, no matter if the membership approval was less than 100 percent.

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  27. Angela C
    October 8, 2013

    cornponebread: classic!

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  28. nate
    October 9, 2013

    This is brilliant, you’ve got quite a sense of humor Hawgrrl!

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  29. fbisti
    October 9, 2013

    I enjoyed your list immensely…more than any previous, similarly extensive, list of such Mormon jargon. I most appreciate the bitingly sarcastic bent!

    I remain convinced that the baby shouldn’t be thrown out with the bath water. However, as I grow older the bath water grows more bothersome–especially the lack of any awareness of just how narrow and close-minded our culture is. One symptom of this cloister mentality is the extent of our jargon and how that speaks to how long is the tail of tradition we are dragging.

    thanks!

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  30. greedy reader
    October 9, 2013

    ” Magnify your calling”: to make your assigned job harder and more time-consuming than it needs to be.

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  31. Mark
    October 9, 2013

    Bread : Something purchased by a Deacon at nearest 7-11 at 9am on Sunday when the Young Mens leader realises he has left the sacrament on the kitchen table

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  32. hawkgrrrl
    October 9, 2013

    Mark 31, not to be confused with breaking the Sabbath!

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  33. Tracy LeCheminant
    October 9, 2013

    The world: reality
    The gospel: a big con
    They say not to choose over (Insert scary anecdote.)
    But it’s probably better to choose over

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  34. Tracy LeCheminant
    October 9, 2013

    Oops, what I meant was,
    The world: reality
    The gospel: a big con
    They say not to choose ‘the world’ over ‘the gospel’ (Insert scary anecdote.)
    But it’s probably better to choose ‘reality’ over ‘a big con.’

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  35. Roger
    October 9, 2013

    Hawk—

    There are aspects of the Church, it’s culture and traditions that must have changed during my 30+ years of inactivity/ lapsed activity/borderlands dwelling.

    You are the perfect example. I got two degrees from BYU and never met any women like you. I served a mission south of the Pyrennes and there were no sister missionaries like you. And there were certainly no students in the Tanner building like you.

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  36. NDM
    October 11, 2013

    High Councilman (n.) Someone who is told by the stake presidency what needs to be done, then tells someone else to do it.

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  37. Ziff
    October 12, 2013

    This is brilliant, Hawkgrrrl!

    Saddened (adj.) irritated or angry at another’s unorthodoxy, but expressed passive-aggressively. “I am deeply saddened that so many of my fellow so-called Saints do not sustain the Prophet in the hymns he was inspired to choose for our hymnbook.” Often intensified with “deeply.”

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  38. Mormon Heretic
    October 13, 2013

    Ziff, I nominate this post for your “funniest posts/comments of the year” post that you do.

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  39. Angie
    October 14, 2013

    OMG…so funny.

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  40. Tracy LeCheminant
    October 23, 2013

    Challenge (v.) to push performance of one unchallenging task, implying that doubtfulness is a result of incompetence. Example: “I challenge you to pray about this scripture, that you may know the truthfulness of the gospel.”

    Come to think of it, in the MTC, don’t they teach a lot of lingo that’s generally known to be useful for hard sales?

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  41. HM
    November 3, 2013

    The most important thing is that Jesus is the Christ. There are definitely a lot of quirks and, frankly, hypocritical aspects to LDS culture and phraseology. Especially in Utah (where I grew up), you see and hear things like this all the time. However, despite how disappointing people’s actions can be, don’t you think this post is a little harsh? Latter-day Saints make mistakes (and many times they’re big ones) just like every other person on the planet. Is there a way that the issue can be brought up in good humor instead of being bitingly sarcastic?

    Incidentally, I think it’s wonderful when people take responsibility for what other people understand about what they themselves have said. I’ve had some amazing university professors who have helped me to learn a lot that way :)

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  42. Douglas
    November 3, 2013

    Every Cult(ure) has its jargon and UNSPOKEN expectations.

    I recall many moons ago when involved in (sc)Amway our ‘organization’ had its meetings on Tuesday evenings (coincidence?). My then wife and I sat through an hour of what was about an hour of “rah-rah” (testimonies to encourage the slackening ones, I guess), and about thirty minutes of actual product demonstration and presentation advice. We then began to leave when our “upline” got in our faces with a pained look in her face. “WHERE are you going?” she demanded. I replied that since the meeting was over and the hour late, we were going home. She replied, “You CAN’T do that! This was JUST the meeting, you need to stay for the meeting AFTER the meeting!”.

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  43. Mormon Heretic
    November 3, 2013

    I thought this was humorous and not bitingly sarcastic.

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  44. sifubear
    November 4, 2013

    Some of this was quite funny, but a lot of it seemed as though it was bitter and biting. Just remember, people are people, and all of us make mistakes. some are even hypocritical and fit in the definitions above, but not all of us do. Anyway, I appreciate the funny definitions, and just hope people realize that not all of these are completely true.

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  45. T Riddel
    November 4, 2013

    Our capacity to see our own shortcomings and laugh about them makes us uniquely human and humble, but sarcasm is not humor and is not valuable except to the originator of the comment and their acolytes. While I am amused at a number of the comments and observations, I am nevertheless “deeply” aware that our view of our Savior’s church is not
    so important as His view of us.

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  46. Zoe Gillenwater
    November 5, 2013

    I agree that much of this was too bitter and sarcastic to be very funny to me, though I love making fun of Mormons! But some of it was quite clever. Here’s another definition:

    Service: 1) If you’re a woman, giving chicken enchiladas to someone who has just had a baby or who is very, very sick. 2) If you’re a man, helping another Mormon family move in or out of the ward boundaries.

    There should also be something on here about temples, baptisms for the dead, and single wards (aka, the church’s official dating service).

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  47. Eric
    November 5, 2013

    One phrase I’ve never heard outside the LDS church:

    We welcome you out: We welcome you.

    Don’t know this is Mormon or just Utah:

    Tending: What people do to children instead of sheep.

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  48. Ben
    November 6, 2013

    Now my intellectual crush on hawkgrrrl is complete. Great list!

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  49. michael
    November 24, 2013

    OK,

    I know I am late, but you need “Policy” and you need “doctrine”

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  50. Mark
    December 3, 2013

    Relatives twice removed: Two organ recipients of organs removed from the same organ donor.

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  51. annegb
    January 15, 2014

    Well done. I’m going to run this off and take it to church with me to refer to often while I condemn others.

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  52. CraigHyatt
    February 22, 2014

    What is the translation for “fun”? My guess is something like “interesting” in air quotes: Wow! Your new Hawaiian shirt is fun!

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  53. CraigHyatt
    February 22, 2014

    Another word I’ve heard is “sad”; a passive aggressive way of expressing disapproval. For example, I was telling a friend at work that I enjoy going to Mass and have spiritual feelings, but I can’t really say exactly what I believe. He said “That is so sad. What I believe is ….” The judgemental tone kinda pissed me off, but I let it pass.

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  54. Cassie
    May 23, 2014

    How would you explain the phrase “of the world” to someone not fluent in our mormon jargon?

    This is great by the way! :)

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  55. TJ
    August 6, 2014

    THIS IS SO FREAKIN HILARIOUS, AT TIMES APOSTATE BUT ALL THE MORE FUNNY…. I think I’m going to go talk to my bishop

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  56. Charlie
    September 17, 2014

    Home Teaching – intelligence gathering.

    Visit Teaching – intelligence gathering with cookies.

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